I recently finished up a 10 week women's study on "Passion Pursuit" with some ladies in our church. It was primarily focused on intimacy in marriage, but turned out to be one of the richest studies I have ever done. So much that, I plan to go through the book again with some friends. Not only did it fine tune my relationship with my husband, but it flowed out into so many other areas of my life and exposing deep rooted struggles.
One of the chapters of homework really caught me off guard. It was on forgiveness and accepting the full cost of the cross.
Check the box, I got that covered. (Pride Alert)
As I delved into the chapter and answered the questions, I realized how much faith I lack in the sacrifice Christ made for me. I found that the, somewhat, easy part was accepting/expecting forgiveness from the Father when I earnestly ask and that He no longer holds my records of wrongs, but there is a huge lack of faith inforgiving myself. (Gulp)
Holding on to past sins by feeling guilty or punishing myself is not fully handing it over to the Lord and his ultimate sacrifice. He paid for it all. He set me free. Free from sin. Free from punishment (not to be confused with consequences). Free from condemnation. Free from the enemy's taunting.
It requires great faith to pour myself fully unto Him and allow His full grace and His full mercy to overflow and take over my life. Otherwise, I am just picking my sins back up from the cross and carrying them with me. This faith is harder than I ever imagined because I know I am so U.N.D.E.S.E.R.V.I.N.G.
If you read Luke 7:36-50, there is the beautiful story of the woman who fell at Christ's feet. She anointed him with perfume and her tears in sincere repentance. The Lord responded very clearly:
47“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” ..... 50 “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
After meditating on Luke 7 for quite some time through the lesson, Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery (Authors of Passion Pursuit) proposed a thought provoking journal entry:
Passion Pursuit by Linda Dillow & Linda Slattery, Page 140, Authentic Intimacy
The journal challenge above painted such a beautiful picture and put His love in such sweet perspective.
I immediately envisioned the Lord sitting in the room, waiting with anticipation as He expected my entrance. He was delighted when He saw my face and quietly said my name as I came to His feet. He gently held out His hands to touch my face as I knelt before Him in brokenness.
Gosh, what security and faith He bestows!
His plans are not to harm me. After all, He died for me! Died so that I may be free. Free to let go of my own selfish control and live in peace. Forgive myself and lavish in the joy He has set before me.
8
"The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
10
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
My heart sinks as this little guy has hit the big twelve! My Ty has become a big guy. No longer my little baby. This little joy carrier is advancing forward like he is 18 months old.
twelve months: 21 pounds, 29 inches tall
blows the cutest kisses
talks on the phone
points at birds and airplanes in the sky
rides his firetruck forwards
starting to run
walks like a cowboy
eating solid foods
tattle tells on his sissys when they take his toys away
loves rough housing
follows his Daddy everywhere
swims like a fish
has 2 teeth
discovered the love of BUBBLES
likes taking things apart and putting them back together
Priorities have taken a bit of a shift in our household. Maybe you have noticed my lack of blogging. Ha! God has been reformatting our household and most of all transforming me.
After a bout of some heavy postpartum depression, I am finally jumping into life again and it feels absolutely wonderful. I put on a good face so most don't know that I had been secretly hiding in a hole of postpartum blues. I knew for a while I was struggling, but it wasn't until I had a night out with a girl friend that I found myself falling apart on her couch in a pile of overwhelming anxiety that I realized it's depths. I could no longer compartmentalize my day, tasks, or if just one child started whining. I couldn't get on the floor to play and read to my kids and could barely get in the car to leave the house to go anywhere, even on a date with my hubs.
Coming out on the other side, God has met me with so much inspiration, delight, and increasing faith. I also don't want to mention the realizations that my babies are all GROWN. Ahhhh!
Our niece, Crailey, sent us a picture of her rocking her twin baby dolls, coincidentally named Anna and Esther, btw. Out of the cute humor, I found my heart aching a bit. My girls, who weren't too far from those baby doll sizes you see, made me realize they were never going back to sweet newborn babies ever again. ::sniffles:: If this could only be consoled by the little man we have, literally, walking around the house (like the cutest waddling baby duck you have ever seen), but he too has decided he's a big guy. He is doing things, I think, my girls were doing when they were 15 months old.
Crailey with her twins, Anna & Esther. So cute!!
As for more big kid stuff, Anna & Esther moved into toddler beds, we lowered Ty's crib all the way down, traded the training potty for the real one, and the girls willingly gave up their bedtime passys in exchange for a Minnie Mouse toy. In the swap, they gathered up all of the passys out of their beds, took them to put in the mailbox with Daddy, who magically sent them to Indonesia with 3 knocks, taps, and a holler, and when looking back inside, the passys had disappeared. They waved, "Bye bye, passy," as they walked away. Ahhhh....big girls!
Big inspirations and joy have come in being a wife. God has shown me where I have been compromising my priorities as a mate. It's easy to lose focus in the infant and toddler stages since they depend on me for almost everything. I started losing sight of affirming my husband on a daily basis and unintentionally forgetting his basic love needs (i.e respect, companionship, intimacy). I have to admit, I was rather prideful thinking I was a pretty awesome wife in these areas until I was challenged reading Ephesians 5:33 (Amplified Version):
However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]
I started looking at my husband with new eyes. Ones that are rather infatuated with him all over again. During the day, I find myself admiring and thinking about all the different aspects I love about him. It changes my perspective so that I am not in full kiddo mode all the time. It renews my tone, how I relate and respond to him, and prioritizing my hubs in my daily routine.
Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
And my husband certainly is those things!
On another priority shift note, my quiet time with the Lord has become of most importance. After Tyler was born, I put it on the back burner. I selfishly felt like if I could hardly get a second of "me" time, then I didn't want to spend any extra moments of what I could have to myself in that sacred place. I forgot and lost sight of how fulfilling He alone can make me.
My new rule of thumb: no Facebook, Pinterest, Blogging, checking messages/emails, or working on pictures (the photographer in me) until I have spent quality time in the Word with the Holy Spirit.
If I don't happen to get the time during the day, then I retreat from my hubby time about 40 minutes before bed for an uninterrupted period. If I'm not right with the Lord, then I'm not going to be right with my husband in our marriage. It's amazing how much time all the sudden just opens from the sky. Ha! I have somewhat applied the same rule to time with my kiddos, household chores, and husband time. It's interesting how much of social media have become a distraction in our lives and we don't even pay attention to it. It's so subtle. We have also amended our prayer time together as a couple. No longer do my husband and I pray together before bed in bed, but instead have carved out more intentional prayer at what we now call our "prayer couch" in our room before getting in bed. This intimate time has become one of my favorite parts of the day. It's no longer rushed for us to beat our drooping eyelids but has created such sweet heart to heart moments after a busy day. Before we start, we snuggle up and my husband usually starts out asking me questions like:
What's on your heart today?
What are you worried about?
What are you struggling with?
What made you the happiest today?
It is truly a cherished time with my Beloved before going to the Throne Room. It creates time for us to learn and know the other's heart and fine tuning them towards the Father's.
In our prayer time, we have found ourselves requesting for an increased faith. It's incredible what The Word says we can do with just a minuscule mustard seed of faith, but yet it's one of the hardest things to obtain, so we thought why not ask the Father to teach us to have more. I have to admit, it is kind of scary to ask for immeasurably more faith, but thinking of the Hillsong United Song, "Oceans," that's where I want to be:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander And my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior
The Lord has been so gracious with all His goodness He has bestowed, but it's not all butterflies and rainbows. He challenges me constantly to become better and closer to Him. Becoming His comes with a price of dying to self, tendencies, mindsets, and exposing new sins. Ouch! The sins I have been trying to repeatedly overcome, The Lord has ultimately put His foot down with choices to follow Him and His heart. It makes me think when Jesus asked his disciples to instantly leave their lives and what they were doing in that moment to follow Him. In my sin, am I going to hold on to my pride, self righteousness, and unforgiveness of others or am I going to get up, leave it behind, and follow Him? Yikes!
The alterations in our household have been so gratifying. Being able to function again as a wife, mom, and person is something I am praising the Lord for every day right now. As I smelled the fresh, salty air on our beach getaway with my family last week, it made me instantly realize how far we have come since this hard, never-ending winter. His grace is sufficient.
The two month countdown is officially on until the big ONE! Party planning is already in the works for a Tie [Ty] Party! Haha! We are already anticipating a grand smash cake experience.
Our Tyler is growing so fast! We are almost looking at 8 months already, so I thought I should give a 6-7 month update before it got to be too late on our Half Birthday achievements. Who knows, I might need to reference this just for myself as I am getting behind on writing in his Baby Book.
seven months: 18 lbs, 8 oz. 25 inches tall.
still loves to play all things with his sissys
fisher price "crawl around car" is his favorite toy
baths are most exciting
cooing and singing are his alarm clock sounds for mommy in the morning
growing hair at snails pace
started first foods at 6 months
prefers 'baby led weaning' over baby food
loves bananas
but is really a food thief (cats not excluded here)
crawling at record speeds
climbing, pulling up, standing & walking along side of tables, chairs, cabinets, everything
making all kinds of new sounds (mmmm, da da da, bu uh)
pressing lips and making puckering noises
conquered RSV
flaps arms when happiest
showing first signs of being bashful
teeth have yet to make an appearance
still wakes mommy at 4am insisting a diaper change
hates head rubs
shows hurt feelings when his sisters take their toys away from him
and cries in anger when it's food
recognizes his name and understands the "come here" command
will soon think his sisters named him, "No No I-ler"
ticklish, ticklish, ticklish
"peek-a-BOO" makes for good belly laughs
little fat rolls can even be found under his armpits
plays with his trucks on the kitchen floor like a big boy
pulls hair and pinches cheeks
makes fake cough noises and laughs
can holler and squeal as loud as the girls
acts like he is playing the bongos on all flat surfaces
is a baby filled with smiles & joy
Recent Funny Story:
Tyler gets lots of hugs and kisses from his big sisters. Bedtime ones are usually the sweetest, but sometimes they are a little overwhelming with it. As one of my recent Facebook posts included:
"Goodnight Kisses to brother tonight involved applesauce lips and trying to stick carrot sticks in his eyes. Yep."
Anna has recently started long tackle hugs to the floor where Tyler gets agitated because he can't free himself. He gets angry and starts to cry when she does not release. At the sounds of my protesting, she takes it upon herself to spank him and points to me as if to let him know he is getting spanked by her on behalf of Mommy for refusing her hugs. Poor Tyler, I can't help but find the last part a bit hilarious.
On a precious side note of all the hugs, Tyler has already mastered putting his arm around my neck in endearment. :)
Not to sound all fluffy and posh, but my husband and I (of 3 years yesterday. Woot! Woot!), rarely argue and fuss or try to fix or change the other. That last part is significant, btw.
This past weekend my husband deeply hurt and offended me. I felt the Lord prompting me to be graceful, no lashing out or making my husband feel bad, but to just love him and be sweet in return. Ugh, seriously?! So, umm.... I wish I could say I did just that. Nope. No 'gold star' for this wife. I have no idea how lovely the situation could have turned out with the Spirit's leading because I didn't listen. I couldn't let it go. Instead I grieved myself and the Holy Spirit. I felt like I deserved to let him know how much he hurt me or should I say, give him enough grief that it never happened again.
And wives, if you don't know, that's where the lines start to blur. It's the beginning of the ugliness of being that nagging, dripping faucet wife who tries to punish and change her husband. It just doesn't work, see Proverbs 21:9.
My husband did not lie down like a dog nor did he lash out in return [at my disrespectful unsightliness that is still eating at my inner being]. Instead of personally taking me on or trying to reciprocate my behavior, my husband simply asked the Lord, 'to deal with me.' And as we went to sleep that night, my husband softly spoke to me (pouring myrrh on my door, Song of Solomon 5:5, ref Tommy Nelson's "The Art of Conflict") and said, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
Going to sleep that night was tough. I created a mess, ruined a good evening, and still had hard feelings.
But the Spirit still spoke to me, answering my husband's prayers. The Lord dealt with me, convicted me, and rewired my thoughts and behavior. He prompted me to not only make amends but to write my husband a heartfelt note of all the things I love most about him. The Lord gave me a heart change and I was able to make connection with my husband's heart again. It was lovely. As it should have been at the very start.
Love and kindness lead to repentance, not harshness or punishment. The Holy Spirit convicts and makes heart changes, not human nagging, control, or fixing. Something for me to 'wife up' in all relationships, not just in marriage.
*Proverbs 21:9- "It’s better to live alone in the corner of an atticthan with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home."
I love photography. The need to take in every bit of the environment around me and capturing/soaking up memories goes back as far as I can remember. Being on a budget and not being able to afford all those adorable baby photos you find eating up my Pinterest board forced me to get creative with my little digital camera after our twin girls were born.
While I am in the mist of blogger's block (not for a lack of thought, but too many for a too busy household right now), I thought I would share two sessions I got to partake in a while back. They were my 1st official "learning" sessions.
BABY ANNOUNCING
Sweet and special friends of ours shared their prayers had been answered. They were so awesome to allow me to be a part of their sweet time.
I loved this one. My camera couldn't take in all it's beauty. The path ahead was GORGEOUS. It's symbolism for a new journey in store is precious.
FIRST HOME GOING AWAY MEMORIES
My Sister and Brother In Law were moving from their first home they bought together as newlyweds and were upgrading to their new home made for their expanding love [kiddos ;)] but wanted to take a few memories to remind them of home.
Memories are always served best around the dinner table and even sweeter when it's children's conversations with the Father.
Sippy Cup Toast
Sister conversations randomly happen in the refrigerator. Ha!
Bedtime Kisses aren't just for Mommies and Daddies but Sissys too
