Dinner Talk

Before we moved to the Gulf Coast, we had one of the best small groups. It is something we still longingly miss most from our departure from the Bluff City. It was a tight knit group and the people in it spoke wisdom and poured into our lives. We learned a little formula to this closeness as well. Sharing a meal at a table together and speaking things of the heart truly go well together. One of the key components was when the meal was over, we didn't vacate from the table to move to a sitting area for the deeper discussion times. We stayed at the table. The observation was people generally felt more comfortable opening up and sharing while staying at the table, but tend to more or less clamor up and feel less at ease in sharing once moving from the table. 

I think so much of this applies in family dynamics as well. 

Our family sits down for family dinner on weeknights. The kids help set the table and get drinks while Kyle and I prepare the food together. We usually pick a weekly rotation like Monday burger night and Taco Tuesday, of course. Kyle makes home made French fries, cutting up potatoes and frying them on Burger nights. We don't do phones or devices at the table, so I really enjoy the undistracted time with all of us together. It's a great time to hear what's on everyone's mind. Kyle likes to ask funny questions or spout off funny facts. Our normal conversation breaker is ask the favorite part of everyone's day, Mommy and Daddy included, because let's face it, kids will tell you their day was "fine" and they did "nothing." Asking the kids their favorite part or going further and asking maybe their not so favorite part of the day can really open up the table discussion. 

But just like we do a weekly dinner food rotation, some days have designated themes assigned to them. Taco Tuesday night is Joke Night at our house. All the kids prepare 2 or 3 jokes to bring to dinnertime. All the kids go around the table sharing their jokes and all of us vote on the funniest one. Livie and Ryan make up their own jokes and usually laugh all the way through telling them. They usually succumb to the classic, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" 

Wednesday nights, we like to share positive words of affirmation. We go around the table speaking characteristics we love about one another. We try to focus on attributes of each individual and not solely on physical aspects. I think it's easy to think the negative about ourselves or with siblings, they often squabble, forgetting to appreciate what they love in their brother or sister, so this brings encouragement to build each other up and establishing a safe space. It also teaches our kids to try to see the good in others. 

We have done Positive Wednesday two ways. The first being we pick the person to our left (or right, or across, etc.) and we each go around and say a positive word about the person next to us so each person gets to hear an affirmation about themselves at dinner. The second idea is to pull a name out of a hat and each member can join in saying positive attributes about the person drawn, pulling a different name out each week. We alternate using both. We most often speak affirmations to the person next to us, but at times when I notice one of our kids needing some extra positive reinforcement or it's a birthday, we shift to focusing on one individual. One of the more humbling times was when the kids put my name in the hat and had a night sharing what they love about me. It's one of those times I realize as a Mom I try to exclude myself and try to avoid attention, but it was important to them. The kids got excited to share about me and that was significant for me to witness and hear.

Thursday nights are feelings check in nights. Kyle and I both participated in a workshop where we both learned the importance of naming feelings. We both realized we have grown into adults not always being able to name what we are feeling or naming our emotions. I want our children to be able to start naming their emotions as young people.

I listened to an excellent episode on the "Raising Boys and Girls" podcast talking about Children's Emotional Milestone Vocabulary and learned the importance for our children to hear the adult's in their life naming our emotions through our own daily experiences in order for them to start verbalizing their own. 

We go through the 9 basic emotions, sharing at least 3 at dinner, "I felt ___ when....":

Mad

Afraid

Guilty

Joy

Lonely

Love

Sad

Embarrassed

Excited

This is an exercise that is not limited to the dinner table obviously, but we have found sharing at the dinner table makes it less awkward and less pressure for sharing some of those more apprehensive feelings... and over time making sharing feelings less hard away from the table. 

I thought Feelings Check In night would be the most bumbling night and I hesitated most on it, probably my own uneasiness in the application, but really our kids miss it the most when we skip it and oddly request it most of all the other nights. 

Other nights, Kyle will tell the kids to just ask him anything. It usually ends up with him sharing childhood stories.

After dinner, everyone works together to clear the table, wipe up, and sweep. Every person is important in the process. 

We enjoy our nights together so I wanted to share some of our traditions with you to inspire dinner time. Bonding and quality time seem to go hand in hand with the comfort of food and home. If I'm honest, I used to have a hard time getting in the family dinner groove.  We didn't do it consistently or make it a priority. Years ago, it felt easier to me not to do it, not to have that focused time, or the pressure, but it felt like there was a piece missing in our family dynamic and I wanted it to change. I want our family to know it is a priority and has a sacred time in our busy schedules to listen to one another, a place to be heard, and a place to be seen. 

I'd love to hear any dinner traditions you have in your home!