Jonah

My parents made a visit this past weekend and bringing with them spoils for the kids. Tyler was the most proud receiving a tricycle with his name in vinyl lettering on the back. Finally, a bike all his own as he has been coveting for like his big sissys.

Entitlement is a big deal in our house. When you have twins that have to share everything down to the same clothes and shoes, it is a no sharing zone if their name or initials is written on any one thing. Tyler learned the rules fast and knew immediately the importance of his bike.

The next morning as everyone was waking, Esther came into our room to inform us: 

"Anna's widing Tywer's bike."

Me: "It's okay. Tyler isn't up yet." 

Esther: (With her arms flailing, jumping up and down, spouting off in a cracked voice) 

"Noooo! Noooo! Mommy!"  

Me: "Esther, I said it was fine. I will take care of it. Tyler isn't up yet to ride his bike, so it's okay. He's not riding it." ::Protesting cries in between:: "Go sit down and eat your breakfast and I will be there in a minute." 

Another "Nooo!" insued with fussing, protesting, and stomping as she walked out of the room.

As soon as she left, my husband piped up, 

"She's Jonah. 'No, God! Justice! Justice!" 

Being that I had just recently finished reading the book of "Jonah" in my Chronological Study, I found the analogy a bit humorous. Reading it, like some of the other books in the old testament, especially those that include the Israelites, I think to myself (with pride and self righteousness, might I add) how hard is it to follow the Lord after He has done A, B, and C, but yet you forsake him, follow other false gods and practices, or when you're a follower like Jonah and God audibly tells you to "Go" to Nineveh, you go, right?!

...so about that pride and self righteousness, I was talking about....

I'm finding in my own life I am much like Jonah and my Esther. Many times my protests for control, justice, selfish pride and righteousness stand in the way of loving others, exemplifying true forgiveness toward others and myself, and keep me from the Lord's promptings.

It's the things that God calls us to everyday that I find myself resisting with my own selfish agenda. I don't allow the Lord's full will to take over my life in trusting surrender.

'Lord, it's not fair for her to keep treating me like this. I deserve to hold on to this and not let it go.'

'Why should I always have to be the bigger person? I get burned every time!'

'I'm justified in feeling this way. I know I'm right.'

Sure, I don't get swallowed by a giant fish in my objections, but I miss out on full intimacy with the Father. I eliminate the full fruits, joy, and freedom in relationships that God would love for me to enjoy or use for His own glory. Often, I would rather cling to bitterness, resentment, control, and comfort, making them into little idols to build around myself, just like the Israelites did even after God parted the Red Sea and all his other marvelous wonders. Ouch! Indeed!

Not only am I hurting myself and causing separation from the Father, but I'm putting God in a box. I'm forgetting His true nature to be faithful and just and ultimately working together for the good of His people who love Him and are called according to his purpose.

I am Jonah. I am an Israelite. I am a 3 year old with a tantrum on the inside.

The ones I think about so harshly while reading the Word, I am now looking at harshly in myself. The Lord is opening me up. He's doing surgery on my heart, cleaning out all the ick. As much as it's scary to let go of the deep, secret things in my heart, it's going to be a refreshing journey of joy and freedom I have yet to experience and instead of clothing myself with bitterness and resentments, I will be blessing others with abundant mercy and grace by the one who abundantly wrapped me in His. I don't want to wither away under God's great goodness (see Jonah 4).

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

-Psalm 51: 7-12

To My Hermana

Amy, remember those "feelings" we used to get when we little girls watching Disney movies? The ones no one else on the planet Earth would ever know what we were talking about and would think we were crazy if we ever tried to explain it? It wasn't until the other night I felt like I had full revelation of our experiences.

The Holy Spirit was actively in our childhood instilling in us a higher calling for love, romance, and deep intimacy in marriages. I believe those "feelings" were Him being present in our moments. 

(Stick with me here before you find me absolutely ridiculous. I know you probably have a big smile on your face, shaking your head with that look you give me when I'm full of it.)

We grew up in a magical childhood before 4th grade hit, 2nd for you, and maybe a little bit more me with all my singing in the trees stuff. Ha! But thinking about it, we never had a real glimpse of true love and romance. We never saw it in our parents or in those around us. Most marriages we saw were normal or passive, nothing in the 'dreams come true' category. On top of it, our parents separated and you would think our security blanket of trust would be completely shattered, but it wasn't. After having no basis of 'happily ever afters,' we should have stopped believing such romance can exist. Many will still remain skeptical.

When we were caught in the pit of relationships, the farthest from any 'fairy tale,' we never stopped doubting it could still be found. In a way, I think it has kept us unsettled in the mist of terrible choices to keep us searching...it's out there. God has been prompting us to find it all along.

When I had lost sight of the dream, I remember closing at work one night with Erin at the Envy. She had come a long way since I worked with her at the Lobster and she was sharing her story with me. I will never forget her words to me: 'You can have it all. Your own fairy tale too.' It was a huge game changer to put things in fresh perspective after seeing our sweet friend find true happiness.

It wasn't until I met Kyle that all the silly things I had dreamed of started falling into place. You of all people know I had some pretty crazy expectations for a husband. Oddly, I have a husband who loves looking at stars through a telescope with me on warm summer nights, laying in the hammock under the stars (with the kid monitor feet away), or baking pumpkin pie while watching old black & white classic movies in sweet snuggles. And regardless of what Mom said every Sunday lunch, I found one that will cut my steak for me too. ::Inserting your, "Dork" comment here:: Haha!

My future husband knew from the moment he saw me, that I was everything he had been waiting for. He pursued me, romanced me to the moon, and couldn't wait to marry me (with big tears in his eyes at the sight of me). Even with spontaneous romance on the back burner with a house full of toddlers, love is much sweeter and I love being desired every day.

God didn't intend for just one of us to experience great love. We (me & you) were meant to have it and now it's your turn!!

Your love isn't going to look the same as ours. It's going to be just as God designed for YOU.

I know you are contemplating a lot right now, but in this time, I pray God will reveal His heart and His romance for you. Let it be so much that when you meet "The One", you will recognize him because he came straight from the Father's heart.

I love you. We were created for Big Dreams!