"I am not enough and I'm too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy." -Staci Eldredge, "Captivating"
Today has been one of those days where everyone seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, including me. A night of no sleeping and everyone getting up bright and early at 6am does not bode well with this non-coffee drinking Mom. We get ready and head out the door for Week 3 of our "Entrusted" by Beth Moore play-study with a couple other Mom friends.
As we get home and everyone is down for a nap at the same time, a rare thing with our still two-nap-a-day Liv, I'm thinking, 'this is awesome,' because I am toast.
I can't even rest for all my racing thoughts. Beth Moore wisdom is enough to chew on for days. All the things I need to examine in this messy heart of mine and all the things I feel God is teaching me and stirring in me are set before me, so I decide to get up and write.
It's the heart that seems to reveal us deep down. Deep down where the Holy Spirit is chiseling those secret spaces that you don't want anyone to see, even sometimes we are afraid to see ourselves; to dig, to do the work.
As I look at myself in the mirror, do I really want to see inside, not just what the outside is trying to keep up with in appearances and approvals. But trying to be vulnerable enough to let everyone see and to see myself. Can I name the places in my heart out loud? Or do I subtly ignore them and cover them up in the busyness of life.
There isn't a bar of perfection that I've matched like everyone seems to be after.
There's not really such a bar as social media likes to have us believe.
That bar only requires more and more of you and you never reach the top.
There's never any amount of perfection that can be reached within ourselves.
I don't have it all together or have all the answers, although I do want to look like I have it together with my clean house...at least that part of me put together...where I feel like I have order in the chaos of everything else.
It's the same place in life where marriage and kids is an adventure.
The best adventure but the hardest adventure.
This place that shows me I'm so selfish, but the most selfless all at the same time.
This part of our lives where I see the neediness of kids, work, promotions, and getting across this 30s finish line can really add the pressure to every day l.i.f.e.
Decisions that seem like they can make or break you the rest of your life in this era.
Where the pull of home, kids, time as a couple, finances, and jobs all create forceful tugs away from each other and the priorities of the God center.
It's this place where I never thought love in marriage could last farther beyond but finding it going deeper even on the days you have to cultivate it and work at it.
Intimacy and connection increase.
But also being more aware of the enemy as the years become stronger.
I'm learning that I need to be praying for my spouse from head to toe, checking in on his needs and happiness level more, praying not only for our marriage, but our friend's marriages.
It's this place where I am thankful and see my husband get up day after day to go to work even when the house is quiet and everyone is still sleeping when he leaves the house each morning. He puts his best foot out every day, provides, and is faithful. He comes home and empties out the dishwasher and sink full of dirty dishes, plays with our kids, tucks them into bed, and still manages to make time to do the little things and read C.S. Lewis to me before bed. He gets the courage to lead our family even as more and more responsibilities add to the mix. He's stronger than the man I knew he was in courtship and when we said 'I do.'
There's also this stirring in learning 'I can't do 100 things for the Gospel*'. I'm in need to step back and re-examine all these yes's and where I'm investing and finding peace where I don't always want to say, 'no.' There's this stirring to find out exactly where and what God is calling me to in the bigger picture of life, not just in our home, but in our home too, dreaming BIG with God, but at the same time where I'm learning Summer days in the pool with my kids is the best 'yes' to many days.
Living life with them. Putting words on their heart. Writing on their empty tablets, or as one of my favorite quotes puts it:
"The very presence of our children is supposed to remind us of the covenant love that we share for each other. Their hearts become tablets on which husbands and wives write their love letters to each other." -Kris Vallotton
My heart stirs and is overwhelmed with the little people my kids are becoming. The twins are almost Six and I see glimpses of their sweet souls and beauty and the harvest I'm currently sowing into. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and my heart is mush. I want their hearts to stay as ever pure as they are now.
I never thought I would be that 'religious' Mom having my kids memorize Scripture, but I'm finding it's an emotional thing to teach them sweet verses that I feel like I'm passing down onto their souls for a lifetime. Ones that I know I have lived true even in my wanderings. It's like hidden messages on their heart for later.
There's also discontentment and peace swirling around in the same space this season.
I'm discontent with trivial things, fleeting things like our 'almost renovated' house and finally making it a home after 6 years of saving and working on it piece by piece in the middle of kids and life, all while I learn to be content with those 'popcorn' ceilings, wobbly kitchen chairs, undecorated walls, and faded paint on the exterior of the house a little longer.
There's the restlessness of the twins starting Kindergarten and Little Man starting preschool and trying to wallop up every moment I have left in these preschool aged days. It's all only a month away!! My heart can't be still enough.
Then there's unsettledness of always wanting the next thing, the better thing, especially before completing the first things. : Eeek face::
And God just wrestling with me as I speak them out loud.
It's learning that sometimes I may try to bypass the 'Jesus' part of the trinity in my prayer life when I don't want to look at the ugly within myself or see my need for Him. Ouch!
(Shauna Niequist talks about this more in her book, "Present over Perfect.")
It's learning I will always need Jesus, every single day. More than I ever thought I did.
But that I want Jesus even on the best of days.
I'm seeing how sin is sin and there's no amount of pride or excuses that can cover it up.
I have control of the things I feast my mind on and when they aren't heavenly, it brings up those heart issues I try to hide from.
But in all this discontent gives way to places of freedom and peace.
It's in this place God has been showing me His faithful hand. He keeps mapping out all the details of our life, or as my husband says, 'God watches us closely.' He keeps weaving the smallest details together piece by piece and has been showing off a bit. I'm starting to learn for the first time in my life what peace looks like when my fears give way to Him. It is a place I want to continue to remain and experience more of.
Then, there's freedom where the enemy no longer holds me down by my past and this place is the most foreign. I've shared my testimony many times before, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago with a couple ladies that I shared, but this time it was different. Shame, condemnation, guilt didn't riddle me as I shared ugly details of my past. The parts I usually hide when I do share. Parts that I usually try to skip over because they will forever change the way you think of me, but for once there was peace in I'm not that person anymore, nor who I ever was. Those pieces don't make up my identity, although part of my journey. Those parts no longer have claim over me, chains are broken, and now I can see where some of the deepest ugliness of my life has brought me to experiencing a much bigger God in much bigger ways and that was worth all of it. Healing comes after all.
*Quote from Beth Moore, "Entrusted"
