Planting Gardens, Harvesting the Fruit

Years before we moved to the Gulf Coast, we were constantly in limbo, with my husband's job, if we were staying in Memphis or moving. It seemed like every other month, a new location was presented to us. He had taken a leadership position that made it inevitable that we would make the transition at some point. We were in the middle of littles and renovating our home, but it was hard to feel settled when you think at any given opportunity, we were going to be leaving. Then, God gave me a word from Jeremiah 29:5, 'Plant gardens and plan to stay.'

The word didn't mean we weren't ever going to move, but for that moment of time, we needed to live life in full where we were. As you know, we did eventually make the move and God mapped out all the details.

Flash forward to two years of coastal living and in this Coronavirus life of quarantine and I again feel the Lord prompting me with this same word. 

For our family, quarantine life has felt somewhat normal because my husband's job is 'essential work.' He still leaves the house every day, not working from home. The kids have been home from school, which I have treasured up this time in my heart. We have had fun activities to do, sweet conversations, and lots of quality time without distractions since life came to a halt. Family dinner was reinstated whereas school and work schedules usually conflicted to make them scarce and sacred before. There was no more fussing to get through everyone's homework, baths, and getting school stuff and backpacks laid out and ready for the next morning. The evening rush to bed and early morning hustle off to school was gone. Summer like living began. Ahhh...I love it! 

In the mist of all this goodness, there has still been a high mix of anxiety, sadness, and some depression. I know this scale is different for everyone. Everyone has experienced it in different ways. For some, it's the loss of events and special occasions that got cancelled, others it's the uncertainty of work or income, for ones, it's the stress of distance learning, isolation, etc. All of those things matter and are all relative, no matter where you fall on the scale. For us, we were sad for all of the things we were missing out on: soccer, the twins' first Father/Daughter Ball, a trip to Memphis to see friends and family, flying to Indiana to see my 92 year old Mamaw, Kindergarten graduation, saying bye to teachers and friends before starting a new school next year, playing with neighborhood friends, etc. 

I also felt this mix of emotions and anxiety over the uncertainty of the future. The Earth is groaning and contractions have been getting stronger over time, but at what point will active labor begin? I felt like we were living in a real life movie where everything seemed to change from one hour to the next and often I felt at any moment Revelation times were beginning, not to say it isn't still, but my fears of getting through with five little people during tribulation times began to trouble me. I started feeling like at any time, these precious moments of living could be gone, traded off for extreme uncertain times. I began living in that unsettled place in life, not knowing if we are staying or going. It's hard to live life fully when you are constantly in that insecure mindset.

That's when I felt God prompt me His words of Jeremiah 29:5 again,

4This is what the LORD of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: 5“Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. 6Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! 7And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”

Words so deep, freeing me....

The word isn't revealing to me Jesus' timing of return. We don't know the day or the hour, but His word once again released me to live life fully where we are [whether in quarantine or not], to dream again even while we are in this place of waiting for His return, soon or not.

(And also to pray for peace and prosperity of our city and nation. Reaping a harvest)

My husband and I began intermittent fasting over the past month, which helped reset so many emotions and bad patterns.

My autoimmune had taken me down at the beginning of quarantine and with the help of a doctor and muscle testing, I feel like a new person again, able to take on the day physically and mentally. 

I started limiting social media and news articles to 30 minutes a day. 

The television is usually off most of the day in our home, but I no longer turn it on for the morning news. 

I started taking up a new book list and listening to more podcasts while I fold laundry and do dishes.

I wake up every morning, praying for my husband and reading a small Word passage to focus my mind even if it's only the first 5 minutes before little people vie for my attention. Kyle is usually gone and out the door before we all wake. Praying for him also helps me feel connected to him early in the day.

On Fridays, when Kyle gets home from work, we instituted our own appetizer happy hour. The two of us gather around the kitchen with our favorite wine and make our own homemade salsa, fry corn tortillas to make chips, and talk about our day while the kids play. My husband is usually the chef in our house and has taken up making Babish's fried chimichangas and General Tso's. Some nights it feels like restaurant dining.

We started up our home renovations again. We are almost finished with our fireplace remodel after my husband made built in's on it's parallels. I even remodeled the kid's little plastic house we got for $30 that inspired more playing time. Who knew, detailing the play mailbox would create a whole day centered around playing Post Office. 

I felt my whole self take a deep breath in and pull back in the joy of the days, not hanging on to them with uncertainty. I felt free to be normal.

I have to remember that God is not a God of confusion, but I have to stay steadfast in His Word, pray without ceasing.

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. -Romans 12:2 The Message

Every morning, I ask God to be present in our day and give us good things to do, show me what I need to be doing today. It's important for our eyes to be open to what He is doing, even in the mundane of our homes or out and about.

While searching through some boxes to decorate our new shelves, I found my old 'dream' book that I had made with some friends. We had a dreaming with God party where we had brought all kinds of magazines and scrapbook materials and started cutting out ideas, ambitions, and dreams we felt God was inspiring in our life and pasted them in a book. Opening my dream book made me realize it's time to start adding to it again while sparking some of the old things God had inspired in me. I had put those dreams up on a shelf. I recently found a passion in homeopathy and am considering Homeopathy school.

God is still creating new things, instilling in us new ideas, His Word is still a double edged sword, our prayers are still powerful and effective, even in the hard times, in the trials, for our city and our nation, even in the waiting places. What can we be doing with the gifts that God is giving us right now in theses places of our lives?

I want to be planting gardens and harvesting the fruits it produces.

Hugs,

Ashley

Axing The Summer Bucket List

Where has this Summer gone already?!?! It feels like the Summer has just begun and so has finding it's rhythm and that back to school vibe is already stealing it's joy.

In the preschool years, I loved the smell of the new school supplies filling the aisles this time of year, but now as the kids are getting older, it's the smell of dread of a new school year beginning, all the uncertainties of new teachers, new friends, new adjustments and anxieties, and this year, we send off another Kindergartner. Sigh. My heart breaks inside to let go another one of our littles to growing up.

As school was getting out and the days of Summer were beginning, so was my bucket list of all the things I wanted us to do. I had daily chores set up, workbook and reading time, personal Mommy time where we play games together, color together, make weekly trips to the library, the pool, picnics and walks by the Bay, make a lemonade stand, trips to the beach, ice cream, Chik-fil-a, etc.

We were going to make the most of every day of the Summer since I just want to squeeze up this bunch of time that is growing [up] away from me. 

As Summer started, so did reality, and life found a way to divert my Summer fun parade. Moods, falling trap to that one awful Summer illness (in our case, Pertussis, eeek!), napping baby schedules, laundry, etc, all seemed to take over the Summer moments.

The 4th of July came. It's the middle of Summer barometer warning that school is coming in close. I began to feel disappointed that the days didn't match up to my fairy tale Summer expectations. The Mom guilt set in. But I realized it's not too late to soak up some of those memories and, really, it's not all about the bucket list at all.

It's like that still small voice inside told me that our Summer is exactly what it needed to be:

It's okay for our Summer to be made of rest. It's okay if we don't leave the house all day and stay in our pajamas and play inside and maybe for several days in a row. We don't have the pressure to do and to be. It's a whole season where we get the opportunity to recharge from life, take a sabbatical from the school year long of craziness and going strong. In our case, this whole last year was crazy with moving and bringing home a new baby, a colic one at that. We can play, go to the pool, eat popsicles, take naps, and relax from rigorous schedules.

I realized Summer lets us re-establish home base for our kids so that they know where they belong and where they are loved and where they are secure. We can re-instill our values in their hearts and build on new ones as their experiences in life grows. We get the chance to love on them more and with extra snuggles and hugs. It's in that same place I want my kids to know they can escape and "feel" home as soon as they walk in the door off the bus each afternoon. Home is the environment we create around us and Summer gives us the time to make it ours.

This Summer, one of the biggest take aways was teaching our girls the discipline of reading their Bible every day. In first grade this year, the girls started learning to read chapter books and have found they love reading. I thought it was the perfect time to introduce them to reading their "Jesus Storybook Bibles" by themselves. We (and me) started making a habit of reading some time each day. Some days we have quiet reading time together, each reading our own Bibles, or they pick a time during the day when they want to read by themselves. Some days we journal about what we read afterward. I ask the girls to write what they think the story was about or what they feel like the Lord is sharing with them as they read. When they write, it melts my heart. Kids have a way of sharing differently than us as adults that makes it so sweet.

As a Mom, it's easy for me to get lost in my own Bible reading disciplines. I mean, I never have time for myself as it is, so it's hard to make that time to sit down and dive into The Word in the little down time I do get.

But recently, I found the Lord really pressing upon me, 'You can't know Me without knowing My Word.'

Umm...Wow! I found that to be extremely convicting!! My daily desire is to know the Lord in deep relationship and to be ever growing deeper in Him. I have to be in His Word. Our kids are so eager to know about God and this is the perfect place to start and share in the journey.

School around the corner only reminds me to stay present and intentional of our time together.  We will still plan some Bucket List fun and make some sweet Summer memories, but the most important ones are going to be the small daily things we do and instill in our kids each day that leave a legacy. It won't be that we rocked the Summer with stuff or catching all the Instagram happiness.

Happy Summer, y'all! 

Collierville to Fairhope

Last week was one of those weeks where I started doubting the plans of the Lord, the small details, as in, God forgot to factor in those 'He knows the hairs on your head' details. God was only good for all those large checklist items and all the others were a mere oversight, afterthoughts in His adventure for us. I love seeing God weave the small details in every day life. I talk and write about it often, so obviously I was in one of those lack of faith moments. [And we're so quick to forget. Just like that. And it seems like it's most when things aren't going our way. It was exactly that.] Last week, I started 'rubbernecking.' I started looking back, comparing from where we came to where we are. I could have become a pillar of salt at a moments notice. I wanted things to be the same here that they were there.

Last week, school started full swing in our household. We have two first graders and a round of Pre-K 4! Where has the time gone, seriously?! It was meet the teacher for Anna and Esther at the beginning of the week. I can say even as a parent, it was hard walking into a new school where everything is unfamiliar. Everything is different. Our girls loved Crosswinds and loved going to school every day in Kindergarten. Here we are in new territory, the unknown. We met their new teachers, looked at classrooms, and the desk they would sit, and all I could think is it's not the same. I wish we were back at Crosswinds. I don't like how they do things here. God, why does it have to be like this? As we were working through the worries and anxieties, I'm trying to keep a brave face, trying to speak positives, when the teacher tells us that parents are not allowed to walk students to class the first day of school, including Kindergartners. My heart immediately drops and my thoughts roll to what kind of heartless school doesn't allow you to walk your Kindergartner to class the first day? I took a breath and we spent extra time walking the halls so the girls would feel comfortable going on their own. Although, I may lose it next year when I can't walk in my newest Kindergartner and I have to drop him at the door! Eek!

Then, it was Tyler's turn for 'Meet the Teacher' at his new preschool. I'm nervous about this one. We had such a time with Tyler last year. He's our shy one. He doesn't talk much to anyone outside our family. He spent most of preschool last year clinging to me while I had to push him into class. He never wanted to go. I had contemplated pulling him out to try again the following year, but mid year he started to warm up. All this Summer he told me he didn't want to go back to preschool unless he had the same teachers. Here we go!

As we're walking in, I remind myself that God led us here through a sweet neighbor. I had intentions of another preschool, but I know it was God who redirected our path. This preschool happened to have a spot left in his class late Summer and that rarely happens. We were on wait lists at others. I don't believe it was coincidence. I'm thinking all these things to myself as we walk into the doors of his new preschool, bracing myself for the changes. (Obviously, I don't do change well, if you haven't picked up on this common thread.) And just like that, I quickly began thinking back to the sweetest preschool we left behind in Collierville and the great teachers we would have had this year. I already started measuring everything against it.

And comparing only leaves you disappointed. 

By comparing, I closed myself off to everything the Lord was doing in those moments, what He may have been showing me. I was constantly looking back and contrasting. I also didn't make myself available to talk to the other parents I encountered because I was too busy pouting to myself on the inside and questioning all these new things the Lord had presented to us; as if He didn't know what He was doing. I wanted all the old schools, routines, and comforts of our old life back and forgot to look forward to what's ahead.

Believe it or not, the first day rolled around and Tyler walked right in to his class, no holding on or begging to stay with me. I picked him up later and he was gleaming and excitedly told me, "It was the best day ever!"
And...The Lord eased me back into my place once again. 
I was so busy contemplating [Collierville] home, I missed that maybe Tyler wouldn't have done the same if we had stayed in the same place in the same preschool. It may have been the perfect preschool for Anna and Esther and a great stepping stone for him last year, but God has a more fitting one for him this year.

I don't know why I doubt His goodness. He only repeats it over and over.

When I look at the big picture of our move from Collierville to Fairhope, I know God had every piece worked out before I had even said, 'Yes.'

For the past couple years, we have been in limbo as to whether we were staying or moving for Kyle's job. It seemed like every other week a new location was put on the table. After a couple years of going back and forth, place after place, we were close to making the decision to stay and put our roots in and, of course, just as we were conceding to stay, a serious proposition was put on the table to Mobile, Alabama. I wasn't opposed. It was a good location to consider. It's near the beach!

We drove down and spent a couple days scoping out the surrounding areas. On the second day of roaming around, just as I started digging in my heals that I wanted to stay in Memphis, I received a message from one of our dearest friends, Helen. She wanted to tell me that one of her closest friends had moved to Fairhope, Alabama just two years ago and her friend would recommend the name of the realtor she used, who is now one of her best friends. I felt relieved that God had a specific realtor in mind, not just any random one that we could look up, one that would be trustworthy to our family.

On the last day of our trip, the strip turned pink!! We were expecting BABY #5!!! This was not in our cards!! We were done having kids after Livie! We can NOT move now!
But we came home and started making our decision and it was leaning towards the GOing!

Instagram October 16, 2017: Today we sit with decisions before us. (For those of you who don't know, we are scouting out a possible job move.) But even in the weight of things and endless car time, I felt like the Lord was romancing our kids like in the book "Captivating," but with the coolest, biggest seashells we've ever seen at the beach. They had their endless pick. The beach was covered. We've come to the beach for years and never had a hog pile like we did today.

I called the realtor and she was the sweetest gift. I felt at home with her just over the phone. Then, God weaves again when she told me that she has a daughter that lives in Memphis! What are the chances? What's funny is while we were visiting the Mobile areas a couple weeks prior, I told Kyle I wished we could find a realtor who knew where we were coming from, so they knew more what we wanted. (What I really wanted was another Collierville to wherever it was we were going). Why does it surprise me so much when God gives us the things we want in our hearts, even the silliest, small things that probably don't matter in the grand scheme of things? ....All I have to say is He shows me He loves me, down to those small minute things I care about. He was preparing my heart. He knows me and what matters in my small world. He continually shows me He is here with me.

A few weeks later, we dropped the kids off with my parents in Tuscaloosa and came back to meet with Leigh, our realtor, to start shopping for houses. We probably looked at close to 20 homes in the course of a day. Finding a house is like finding a wedding dress. You know when you know!
We found one we liked a lot, but had a major flaw that we just couldn't overlook. After that, she asked, 'Are you finally ready to go look at new construction?' I said, 'Sure,' but that's not what I really wanted until I walked into the model home. This was the it! It was beautiful and NEW! We took some time checking out the lots and floor plans and decided on our floor plan with 5 bedrooms, enough for our growing family of 7! The slab had just been poured.

We didn't want new construction for the mere fact there's never any trees, but our lot had trees, lots of trees, another God gift! The sales associate sat down to talk over all the specs of the home from brick color, hardwood floor stains, cabinets, and paint. We could make changes on everything but the cabinet color. She listed that the paint color for the walls was Sherwin Williams "Agreeable Gray."

In that moment, I felt like the Lord was confirming our new home even down to the paint color. 

As you see, I had just studied 'Greige' paint colors backwards and forwards for our reno home in Collierville and had finally found the perfect shade I was in love with. I had previously decided that I was going to paint our new home this profound shade of "Agreeable Gray."

Our home was now picked out.
What about church?
Can I tell you we found our church in the same weekend that we picked out our house, before we were moved down here?! Our church home in Collierville was Living Hope. I had never felt so at home at a church since my youth group days and I'm still struggling with leaving it behind. Finding a church can be a hard journey, but we didn't even have to "shop."

Helen's friends, Leslie and Mike, had moved down here from Collierville just 2 years prior. They were fellow Living Hope-rs as well and had found a similar church here in Fairhope, so we met with them and visited the church. We loved it and that's where we are dipping our feet in... I say that in the sense we haven't fully jumped in, living in the newborn phase here.

We're moving, check!
Realtor, check!
Collierville like City, check!
Home, check!
Church, check!
Connections/friendships already made in a place we don't know, check!

New Home Owners

We came home and put our home on the market at the first of the year. I have to tell you there's a another story wrapped up in God's perfect timing there. It was probably the hardest obstacle of our move especially being in 2nd and 3rd trimester. I was so stressed out at one point with everything, I started having contractions at 28 weeks and had to go into the hospital one night and they had to give me fluids and a shot just to stop them. God was faithful in protecting our little guy through all the rest of the gestation term and in all the stresses of our move.

Moving Day came. We closed on our new home.
Leslie and Leigh both had a friend, Natalie, who was in their small group, that had just purchased the home across the street from ours. She and her family immediately took us in from Day 1. They made us dinner the night we closed on our house and had us over for a pancake breakfast the next morning before the moving truck arrived. She has been a blessing all in herself. We came here with no family or help with our kids and Natalie has stepped right in. She is always checking in on me through the week to see how I am and where she can help. She is always offering to watch and play with the kids. Kyle & I haven't been without date nights since we've been here either. I just don't know how to describe how in awe I am at how the Lord has pieced together all our needs .

The Lord connected the dots all the way to our friend in Memphis to our neighbors across the street. 

Speaking of neighbors, we have the sweetest neighbors all around. It feels like God hand picked them. I know at least half my neighbors down the street already and two of the Mom's I really connect with and trust. There's a couple down the street that are from Memphis too! The community here is so so sweet. The older lady on the corner brought us homemade bread after we moved in and is always wanting to come hold our baby.

The first day we were moving in, the kids next door were outside playing when ours came out. All the kids saw each other and ran to meet where our yards cross. It's so fun to watch kids meet. It's like instant connecting, no formal introductions. They just started playing kickball and that's where friendship started. It would be so cool if adults were the same. Ha! There are other large families in our neighborhood, so we aren't the odd balls with our FIVE kids...but probably still are. ::Insert wink emoji here:: Our kids are outside playing with the the neighbor kids as much as possible. All of us parents use Walkie Talkies to communicate with our kids back and forth. It's great! If you allowed them tablet time and made had them choose between it and going outside, it would be going outside with their friends. I wouldn't want it any other way and what I always wanted for our kids.

I remember I was in the middle of unpacking that first move-in day and I was thinking to myself if I could just take a break for a few minutes to run to the store to get some fruit for the kids. We just need some fruit! Wouldn't you know, not even an hour later, Leslie and Mike dropped by to welcome us and see if they could help unpack the kitchen and set up beds, the two most important things of moving, sleep and eat. In her hands, was a bag of assorted fruit they stopped to get on the way over. They brought us bananas, oranges, and grapes. Everything I needed for the kids!

Sometimes, the simplest things you can do for a person is exactly what they need in that exact moment. It may have been something they were asking from the Lord, even the most elementary of requests like fruit. Remember the next time you feel prompted to do something for someone,it may be the Lord speaking to your heart. It could even be as simple as their name popping into your mind during the day while you are doing laundry or the dishes and it may be the Holy Spirit whispering to you to pray for that person. 

The Lord has fit so many pieces together in our move from Collierville to Fairhope. I know I'm leaving so many specifics out for length's sake. I could go on to speak how it has impacted so many other things even down to the delivery of our Baby Boy.

Some things still feel uncertain at times and I know there will still be challenges ahead.
I'm missing my closest friends and wondering who will come along to add to this gap on our new journey. I went to a MOPS group this past week to listen to our neighbor speak and just thinking about opening myself up to new friends felt so bittersweet. It seems so final that we have left some of the truest friendships and wondering if new ones will be just as close to my heart. I've been in a bit of denial in this area, but I know God has not left this to chance either.

I haven't yet found my place here. It's been more challenging since I'm in the Newborn daze for a bit longer. I'm looking forward to connecting and eventually somehow leading other women and what that may look like.

I feel like I've grown so much already in this move. There's nothing like being pulled out of your comforts zones and control to push you to be better and cling to the things of the Lord. It has also taught me how much of the ordinary things are the most meaningful and not to take even the smallest things for granted. I'm talking down to Jerry's Sno Cones, Pyros, and Gibson's donuts. I'm kidding, not kidding!

It's just the beginning of our new adventure and the Lord has done so much already.

I'm holding on to Psalm 27 that my best friend, Audra, gave me last October when we were deciding on moving and pregnant with Baby #5:

"I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

Be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD."

Along the Mobile Bay in Fairhope

Deep Calling the Too Messy

Today is one of those days that I feel the dynamics that make up this woman's heart. The days where I feel like I can pull out a quote from "Captivating" and check off the boxes as I go because I can be so many things all wrapped in one:

"I am not enough and I'm too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy,  too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy." -Staci Eldredge, "Captivating"

Today has been one of those days where everyone seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, including me. A night of no sleeping and everyone getting up bright and early at 6am does not bode well with this non-coffee drinking Mom. We get ready and head out the door for Week 3 of our "Entrusted" by Beth Moore play-study with a couple other Mom friends.

As we get home and everyone is down for a nap at the same time, a rare thing with our still two-nap-a-day Liv, I'm thinking, 'this is awesome,' because I am toast.
I can't even rest for all my racing thoughts. Beth Moore wisdom is enough to chew on for days. All the things I need to examine in this messy heart of mine and all the things I feel God is teaching me and stirring in me are set before me, so I decide to get up and write.

It's the heart that seems to reveal us deep down. Deep down where the Holy Spirit is chiseling those secret spaces that you don't want anyone to see, even sometimes we are afraid to see ourselves; to dig, to do the work.

As I look at myself in the mirror, do I really want to see inside, not just what the outside is trying to keep up with in appearances and approvals. But trying to be vulnerable enough to let everyone see and to see myself. Can I name the places in my heart out loud? Or do I subtly ignore them and cover them up in the busyness of life.

There isn't a bar of perfection that I've matched like everyone seems to be after.
There's not really such a bar as social media likes to have us believe.
That bar only requires more and more of you and you never reach the top.
There's never any amount of perfection that can be reached within ourselves.
I don't have it all together or have all the answers, although I do want to look like I have it together with my clean house...at least that part of me put together...where I feel like I have order in the chaos of everything else.

It's the same place in life where marriage and kids is an adventure.
The best adventure but the hardest adventure.
This place that shows me I'm so selfish, but the most selfless all at the same time.

This part of our lives where I see the neediness of kids, work, promotions, and getting across this 30s finish line can really add the pressure to every day l.i.f.e.
Decisions that seem like they can make or break you the rest of your life in this era.
Where the pull of home, kids, time as a couple, finances, and jobs all create forceful tugs away from each other and the priorities of the God center.

It's this place where I never thought love in marriage could last farther beyond but finding it going deeper even on the days you have to cultivate it and work at it.
Intimacy and connection increase.
But also being more aware of the enemy as the years become stronger.
I'm learning that I need to be praying for my spouse from head to toe, checking in on his needs and happiness level more, praying not only for our marriage, but our friend's marriages.

It's this place where I am thankful and see my husband get up day after day to go to work even when the house is quiet and everyone is still sleeping when he leaves the house each morning. He puts his best foot out every day, provides, and is faithful. He comes home and empties out the dishwasher and sink full of dirty dishes, plays with our kids, tucks them into bed, and still manages to make time to do the little things and read C.S. Lewis to me before bed. He gets the courage to lead our family even as more and more responsibilities add to the mix. He's stronger than the man I knew he was in courtship and when we said 'I do.'

There's also this stirring in learning 'I can't do 100 things for the Gospel*'. I'm in need to step back and re-examine all these yes's and where I'm investing and finding peace where I don't always want to say, 'no.' There's this stirring to find out exactly where and what God is calling me to in the bigger picture of life, not just in our home, but in our home too, dreaming BIG with God, but at the same time where I'm learning Summer days in the pool with my kids is the best 'yes' to many days.
Living life with them. Putting words on their heart. Writing on their empty tablets, or as one of my favorite quotes puts it:

"The very presence of our children is supposed to remind us of the covenant love that we share for each other. Their hearts become tablets on which husbands and wives write their love letters to each other." -Kris Vallotton

My heart stirs and is overwhelmed with the little people my kids are becoming. The twins are almost Six and I see glimpses of their sweet souls and beauty and the harvest I'm currently sowing into. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and my heart is mush. I want their hearts to stay as ever pure as they are now.

I never thought I would be that 'religious' Mom having my kids memorize Scripture, but I'm finding it's an emotional thing to teach them sweet verses that I feel like I'm passing down onto their souls for a lifetime. Ones that I know I have lived true even in my wanderings. It's like hidden messages on their heart for later.

There's also discontentment and peace swirling around in the same space this season.

I'm discontent with trivial things, fleeting things like our 'almost renovated' house and finally making it a home after 6 years of saving and working on it piece by piece in the middle of kids and life, all while I learn to be content with those 'popcorn' ceilings, wobbly kitchen chairs, undecorated walls, and faded paint on the exterior of the house a little longer.

There's the restlessness of the twins starting Kindergarten and Little Man starting preschool and trying to wallop up every moment I have left in these preschool aged days. It's all only a month away!! My heart can't be still enough.

Then there's unsettledness of always wanting the next thing, the better thing, especially before completing the first things. : Eeek face::
And God just wrestling with me as I speak them out loud.

It's learning that sometimes I may try to bypass the 'Jesus' part of the trinity in my prayer life when I don't want to look at the ugly within myself or see my need for Him. Ouch!
(Shauna Niequist talks about this more in her book, "Present over Perfect.")
It's learning I will always need Jesus, every single day. More than I ever thought I did.
But that I want Jesus even on the best of days.

I'm seeing how sin is sin and there's no amount of pride or excuses that can cover it up.
I have control of the things I feast my mind on and when they aren't heavenly, it brings up those heart issues I try to hide from.

But in all this discontent gives way to places of freedom and peace.

It's in this place God has been showing me His faithful hand. He keeps mapping out all the details of our life, or as my husband says, 'God watches us closely.' He keeps weaving the smallest details together piece by piece and has been showing off a bit. I'm starting to learn for the first time in my life what peace looks like when my fears give way to Him. It is a place I want to continue to remain and experience more of.

Then, there's freedom where the enemy no longer holds me down by my past and this place is the most foreign. I've shared my testimony many times before, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago with a couple ladies that I shared, but this time it was different. Shame, condemnation, guilt didn't riddle me as I shared ugly details of my past. The parts I usually hide when I do share. Parts that I usually try to skip over because they will forever change the way you think of me, but for once there was peace in I'm not that person anymore, nor who I ever was. Those pieces don't make up my identity, although part of my journey. Those parts no longer have claim over me, chains are broken, and now I can see where some of the deepest ugliness of my life has brought me to experiencing a much bigger God in much bigger ways and that was worth all of it. Healing comes after all.

*Quote from Beth Moore, "Entrusted"

The Weaver

What is God weaving together in you? That is the question that keeps rolling around in my mind throughout today. I can't seem to let it go. The words keep repeating like a broken record.

What is He calling out into your destiny? 

What is He speaking into your life?

When you look over today, last year, or through your lifetime, do you see God weaving His hands through your life; just as the day He knit you together with such precision and care. (Psalm 139:13)

I'm always in awe when He shows Himself. Sometimes it's in the little small voice inside, or in the way my Littles love on me (especially when I'm undeserving), or the way my husband forgives me with abundant grace, or sometimes in the big undeniable ways that He is God.

Today is another one of those days, where He was showing His hand. He's still there, weaving out all the details, big and small. 

He's still knitting, still speaking even when life feels messy; I feel messy, like I'm not enough, or maybe I'm just too much. When marriage seems hard or energy runs short keeping up with daily Momhood...He's there.

My husband recently took Facebook off his phone. He hated how it was an automatic response when he was bored. It's kind of like going to open up the fridge to see what's inside even when you're not hungry. His description, of course! He started replacing his instincts to pull out his phone, by looking around to see what he might be missing if he had otherwise been glued to his device. 

One evening this week, he stopped at Costco on his way home from work. We've been trying out a bunch of new recipes and he was thinking about Salmon and really wanted to know the best way to cook it. He felt the need to pull out his phone and Google all the ways to prepare salmon, but instead he looked around and saw a woman standing there with package of salmon in her hands, so he asked her advice on the best way to make it. She not only told him a simple and tasty way that left us wanting more, but then continued into more conversation. It was a moment to connect with a person instead of a screen. 

What are we missing in our every day? Are we paying attention to the details? To what God is doing today or in our tomorrows? He brings everything together to completion. (Philippians 1:6)

I have felt so overwhelmed with life. There seems to be too many irons in the fire in our household. There have been a lot of decisions, lots of change, lots of uncertainties. I know God is not quiet. He's still speaking, but I still feel pushed out to the end of the plank, not sure if I'm jumping into the known or the unknown, although I know He knows, I'm left feeling insecure. 

Then God takes my heart and pulls me close. The details matter. The threads of the garment interlace together and I start to see glimpses of the garment [my life] being made together by the Maker.

Today, I sat in a pediatric ophthalmologist office with our 8 month old. I looked around and felt so blessed. I shouldn't be here, I thought. Our Livie has had a plugged tear duct since birth and we had been referred out. It's a minor thing, obviously, and her eye had even seemed to improve days prior. I sat there thinking the appointment was such a waste as I waited in the waiting room with a restless, on the move baby. But knowing my Maker and how this appointment or date and time was not set up by me, I went ahead.  

They dilated her eyes and found that her left eye is much weaker than the right in vision. There is a distinct difference in astigmatism and left untreated much longer, she was looking at having a lazy eye that may require surgery in the future, much similar to my husband and sister had when they were younger. 

And all those times I thought, 'Why can't the Lord just heal this tiny thing. Healing a tear duct is nothing for Him.' And there is the details. The answer. 

The Lord was showing me He's still in control. He is in the details. He knows the number of hairs on my head details. He knows my heart and fear details. He wants to show us how much He loves us details. 

Then it goes back to all those irons aren't uncertain to Him.

As we are go on week 2 of illness in our house and so many little stresses start rising up before the day begins, as I start to buckle under the pressure, I can ask and look to the Lord, "What are you doing?" "What is going on?" 

I know today is a small thread of the woven garment. 

So again I ask....

What is God weaving together in you? 

What do you see? 

Do you see the details? 

Do you see our Maker intertwining the good, the bad, the ordinary? 

It's all there. 

The One who created this world and your heart is weaving together something in you. 

What is He calling out? 

What is He speaking? 

Red Ribbon & Blessings

Today, as we put away our Christmas decorations and I began unwinding the red ribbon from around our tree, I was reminded of how far the Lord has brought us in just 2 year's time; how good & faithful the Father has been to us.

Today, as the kids helped take off the ornaments from our tree, breaking a few more balls of our already small collection, I think back to that same year as I had to pass on the post Christmas sales of new glass ornaments.

Just 2 years ago, I remember standing in the aisle of Hobby Lobby with that same ribbon in my hand as we frustratingly made a decision whether a purchase of $13 was too much to add a little beauty to our Christmas tree. This small, simple purchase was causing unnecessary tension. I didn't know the extent of this confrontational purchase until we finished buying Christmas gifts for our kids and family (not big purchases, might I add).

That December in 2013, I remember a week I was staying at my parent's house with the kids while my husband was away on a month long work trip and one night crying on the phone as we frustratingly argued about taking back Christmas gifts. He had just informed me we had $500 left in our account after the mortgage hit.

For anyone who knows us, we don't live extravagant lives. We purposefully live a debt free lifestyle (outside our 15 year mortgage & just completed paying off Esther's NICU bills). We live on a pretty tight budget so that I have the privilege of staying home to raise our kids; a decision we both agreed on before the surprise of our Honeymoon twins. I don't even own a smart phone and we always shop at Aldi if that gives you a better idea of our lifestyle.

We aren't ones to live paycheck to paycheck and like to have the appropriate Dave Ramsey suggested amount of emergency fund set aside into savings, so I knew this was bad....

Taking us all the way back to about a month before the twins were born, we went to a birthday party of one of our dear friends. We were more blessed than the birthday boy himself as everyone asked if they could gather around us to pray as we were about to start our new journey of little ones. The Lord gave a word (among others) that 'we would never go without.'

Today, I think back on that promise and how we indeed have never gone without. We never went without when my husband lost his job shortly after the twins were born. So much so, the very first day of my husband's current job, was the same day his severance pay ran out from his previous employer. What a praise of the Lord intertwining everything together for us. We never missed a beat.

Today, I think how this year He has blessed us immensely. He has not only provided for every one of our needs, but He has put into our hands so many of our wants...so much blessing to include the extra budget to finally remodel our home. Woot!

This year, we stepped out in faith to register our twins for preschool two days a week to begin preparing for Kindergarten. The Lord provided the exact extra amount we needed each month in our budget for their schooling with my husband's merit increase this year.

My husband also received a job promotion this year, which included a company car. We sold my 2009 Honda which is helping fund our home remodel. :) And saving us a good chuck on car insurance, maintenance, and gas expenses.

Today, I don't have to think twice about running out to get those ornaments on sale to replace our not so kid proofed decor or also adding some new storage containers for the holiday toy-nado that has just invaded our home.

Today, we have been sooooooo blessed!

We have such a good, good Father.

He holds our needs in His hands.

We Do Jesus

Christmas always carries fond memories of childhood. Christmas was a sentimental time of tree decorating with my Mom, crafts, anticipation, gatherings at my Mamaw's house, cookie baking traditions- that I now carry on with my husband on Christmas Eve while we watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and wrap presents...the smell of Christmas

And, of course, SANTA WAS COMING!! My favorite year being the year I wanted a Starbrite Sparkles doll, for any of you 90's kids out there. I don't remember wanting anything so much in my life!!

After setting out my best decorated cookies with a cup of milk for the big guy, himself, my parents agreed that I could sleep out on the couch next to the Christmas Tree so I could try to catch Santa in the act of delivering our presents [and to make absolute sure he was leaving me Starbrite Sparkles under the tree]. I fell asleep under the light of the tree thinking every noise and thud was reindeer on my roof.
I never did catch him.

I loved the tradition of Santa, so much so, I believed in Santa to almost the age of 10 when a kid on the school bus thought it was ridiculous I still believed. While turning to my younger sister for defense, she basically told me I was too old for such shenanigans and she had been advised by my parents to go along with the covert until I figured it out on my own. I was crushed...

The Easter Bunny...
The Tooth Fairy...
Mourning it all at once.

As the kids are getting older, especially this year, the Christmas fun is truly beginning in our house. It's filling me with childhood anticipation all over again as I have been waiting for the childhood magic come to life....

Last year, we took the kids to visit Santa for the very first time. Of course, I had been awaiting this moment, but something just didn't feel right about this introduction into our children's lives.
I had a check in my Spirit.
And it wasn't the fact that my kids were crying as they sat on Santa's lap.
I walked away feeling unsettled, wondering....

How can you do Christmas any other way?

Truth in the Tinsel fun.

Soon after, a twin Mom friend shared a book called,"Truth in the Tinsel" that she was doing with her

girls. It's daily children's Advent stories with a craft for each day in December to keep the meaning of Christ shining through the Christmas season. The author of the book, Amanda, has a blog and she shared how she didn't want Santa to be the center of their Christmas. And there it was....an answer to the stirring in my heart.

Jesus was going to be the center of our Christmas tradition.

The No Santa idea came easily last year since the kids were so young. They couldn't remember ever sitting on Santa's lap even a week after it happened or the significance of that moment in time. Unwrapping gifts Christmas morning didn't seem like any kind of mystery. Presents were there for the opening, of course! Ha!

This year is a whole new ball game. The girls are in preschool and in other environments where Santa talk seems to be everywhere. Songs, kid's shows, and even strangers we meet in the grocery store ask our kids, "What's Santa bringing you for Christmas?" At first, my kids didn't know how to respond, but it didn't take long for them to catch on.

We thought we would wait until the Santa questions came, but instead of questions, we got...

'Santa's coming to my house and he bring me presents.'
'If you don't get the Sophia castle for me, Santa gonna bring me it.'

I really didn't know how to respond to the Santa comments. We don't want to tell our kids the truth this early with the chance of them ruining another child's experience. We want to be respectful of everyone's traditions. 

As I started to feel defeated by Santa this week, even down to finding cute wrapping paper without the Red Suit decorated on it, a lady in our small group shared that they didn't do Santa with their kids either. It was such affirmation and peace to our decision. I gathered wisdom from her experience on how to respond to my preschoolers on their acquisitions of Santa.

"Some people do Santa, some people do Hanukkah, but in our home, "We do Jesus."

An answer my kids can relate and take hold of.

Santa is not right or wrong; He's not a Salvation issue, but it's what has been laid on our hearts in our family traditions and we want to be intentional with our holiday worship and honor the Lord.

We are exploring our new family traditions. It's the start of something new. It's a week before Christmas and I just ordered Ann Voskamp's, Unwrapping the Greatest Gift, also at Helen's suggestion. It has a daily devotion and activities centered on the Jesse Tree (lineage of David). I'm a little late starting it, but I'm excited to see where this book takes us in this new terrain.

We want Christmas to be something that overflows from our hearts and not just a religious celebration, as well as, sweet family memories to carry in their hearts as they grow older.

Last year, my husband made a wooden manger to place next to our tree. Christmas Eve, the kids fill the empty manger with hay, swaddle, and place the baby Jesus in the manger.

Our kids get most excited about it being anyone's birthday. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E is required to have a party. Complete with singing, cake, candles, balloons, and presents.

Jesus isn't excluded. He gets His own party too.

There will be CAKE! 

And there will be presents!
And they will know our presents come because The Lord has been ever so good to us and loves us lavishly.