Never Chasing Now

Almost 5 years into marriage and from moving into our home and you will find our house has yet to be decorated. I'm an aspiring photographer with a hard drive full of the cutest photos of our kids, but yet not one to grace our walls. I keep putting off my nesting instincts as we plan to remodel the e.n.t.i.r.e. house within the next year ::fingers crossed:: and I'm sure to change everything, but I'm dying to make this nest cozy, remodeled or not! So last Saturday, I decided we needed to hit up some neighborhood sales in our area for all kinds of wall goodies on a dime, which then turned into Hobby Lobby spending to accent the items I bought. Ha!

I had a plan. A plan to fit in as many sales in these 2 neighborhoods in the most skillful of time. I wanted to get and go home to enjoy the rest of our Saturday activities. One of these neighborhood sales happened to be in my in-laws neighborhood. The hubs wanted to visit their house first for coffee. After arriving, the kids could not be parted from Mimi & Papa's so the two of us ended up walking to each sale together. 5 minutes in and I was already discontent. Of course, that's when my hubs likes to chime in with his brilliant, loving wisdom:

 'Stop trying to chase the next thing. Enjoy this time we have alone together right now without the kids. It's not often we get these moments.'

After a few minutes of soaking in the fact he was right, I laid my expectations down and we had a great walk. It ended up being my favorite part of the day.

Had he not shared his perspective, would I have been able to see through the morning just as clearly?

So many times, that's all I (hemmm, hemmm, we) do. I'm always trying to chase the next thing. It can be in big or small ways. It can be waiting to make it to the weekend or that fabulous beach trip next month. Or I'll finally enjoy my house and making it home-y when it's all remodeled and pretty. Or I will only be happy when I can lose the rest of my goal weight and look fabulous again pre-baby era (but with the added curves).

As a SAHM, I often notice the enemy thwarting my ministry as a Mom. He messes with my contentment and tells me 'I'm not significant' and that 'I'm not doing anything of worth.' 'Look at that Mom who can go to work and come home, she's more fulfilled, rounded, and accomplished.' 'One day you can do something valuable too.' These lies cloud my vision. It deflects the most important accomplishments I have in front of me.

On those long, tiring days, where I'm just frustrated and spent, the enemy notoriously, like clockwork, comes along and tells me once again, 'I'm not significant,' 'Way to go on losing your patience with the kids, you need to learn to be a better Mom,' and with that I drop the ball on my Mom joy adventures. I find myself beginning to chase the next thing.
When the kids get bigger, I can do this...
                                             I'll be good at...
                                                 and accomplish this...
                                                            I can finally serve in my church & community...
                                                                          I'll start this ministry....

                                                                                    I'll be able to make a difference doing....

Sure, those thoughts are great aspirations and shouldn't be discounted. I'm a dreamer at heart and know they are God given, but I can't let them wish away the precious time I am currently living out.

I think Jen Hatmaker said it best in her new book, "For the Love:"

"To the Mama at home with a bunch of littles, you can live a life worthy right now. Your calling is today. God makes you worthy as you desire goodness for your children, meeting needs and nurturing little souls. No future calling is any more important than your current station. Every good, meaningful possibility is yours today."

I have to be able to chase today. I need to be aware of what the Lord is doing and has for me now in the present. This stage is as important as the next season.

A couple weeks ago, I received a note from a lady in our small group. It absolutely filled me to the brim. I want to share her words because they are just too good and puts everything into perspective:

"Dear Ashley,
        I wanted to write to simply encourage you! It seems not that long ago that I was in your stage of life, a tiring stage. In that place, it is hard to see beyond the day. Let me promise you the time and love you are sowing into your children...a harvest will be reaped! They will reap such confidence and a sure foundation. As you love them and teach them of Jesus as you walk with them daily you are imparting far more than you can realize from where you sit today. I will never regret one moment that I stayed home with my kids. We had less stuff and did without things others had. But now I am overwhelmed by the people my children have become. God has done a work in each of their hearts. The work is His alone but He granted that our home be a place of futile soil for the gospel to take root and grow. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and love those babies well! Before long your time will be more your own... I promise." 

Did her loving words wash over you the same as they did me? 

Gosh, how many times am I already ahead of the crop trying to reap the harvest. I'm not stopping to invest in the worthwhile moments. This also goes the same for how we invest our time, the choices we are make, or steward the things God has already given us. I've been so convicted on every one of these levels lately, not just with being a Mom.

(Or how we don't have the prettiest house on the block because we do choose to make sacrifices for me to be able to stay home with the kids and to pour into their souls. It puts contentment in it's place.) 

Some days may not seem significant when I am living the SAHM dream day after day, but I am imparting much to my kids. It is in those small seemingly insignificant moments or small acts of just talking with our kids or reading them a Bible story over lunch and asking questions. 

All of our small moments add up to a lifetime.

This time, whether with my kids, the food I eat, the words I speak, the relationships I make, the Facebook time I take, or the money I spend, these are all things that God has entrusted to each and every one of us. He is trusting us with our now moments to enjoy with Him, to reap, and to harvest. We just need to soak up our day and see what the Lord has in it. It is not to be wished away to chase tomorrow.

The Struggle

We are just starting to find a true normal in our household. We are starting to get out and do things again. Live life. Feel the breeze.

After Tyler was born, I dealt heavily with postpartum depression, and then found after getting through it, I still wasn't myself, but kept going, thinking everything was normal. I mean, what is normal after having kids, right?

Test results found that I had Hashimoto's, a form of hypothyroidism. It explained my constant energy deficit, depression, weight, and other symptoms. Parenting, or disciplining, during all of these times was whatever wasn't going to cause a fight. I was too exhausted to fight or push forward most days.

Fast forward now to the other side and there has been quite the power struggle in our house lately.
(Mmmph....I hate admitting, talking, discussing the dropped ball here because we are still picking it back up....)

We have such good kids. The best. I love them so, but there are certain discipline issues that have got out of hand. I have to repeat myself 10x to get anyone to listen. If I discipline for not abiding or bad behavior, it becomes the biggest meltdown, no one who has ever met our girls would believe, so it's easier to give in and negotiate. And then there is Tyler, who now has full blown, on the floor, tantrums almost every time we visit the grocery store.

I said, ' I will never be that Mom! '
But that's me. Yep.

Disciplining our kids or acquiring their respect has become my biggest challenge. The one I thought would come easiest to me.

We took our dilemma for prayer in our small group and they shared their wisdom and prayers. Someone hit the mark about disciplining them from a place of love. And there it was. I had listened to other's advice, but with no real basis from which I could start because picking a tactic was not supposed to be my starting point. 

I first had to realize I forgot my purpose. I lost myself in the every day. I forgot what I was doing. I forgot it's not about surviving through each day, or having my kids listen to me, or get through a store run without public stares. It's about loving them and honoring the Lord. 

And then, of course, comes the disciplining out of that.

Gary Thomas, in his book "Sacred Parenting," said it well, "When God does not supply our motivation. We may raise a more courteous and obedient child, but we won't pass on what is of ultimate importance. If parenting were only about behavior modification, Jesus would have praised the Pharisees and kicked dirt on the adulterous woman. In other words, I'm saying that our own spiritual quest must drive our parenting. Unfinished or neglected spiritual business inevitably works its way out through our relationships in a negative fashion: we become more demanding, more controlling, more intolerant, more resentful."

Those words have been a huge heart sinker.

This week, I'm starting at the bottom up, putting my hands back on the ball. I have been aligning myself to the Lord, asking Him for my purpose each morning and asking for Him to impart more of His love to me and for me to give, playing more, instructing less (Thanks, Dad).

These past few days already feel fuller (in the joyful, purposeful way). I'm noticing a little more listening and already a lot more love. I'm building new connections and communication with my kids that is hope to last. ::crossing fingers::

Mommy Princess

Anna and Esther experienced a princess birthday party this past weekend. After encountering a taste of princess sophistication, dress up, tiaras, fancy necklaces and bracelets now make up a full day of playing. Luckily, we have a princess castle tent for all of these elegant activities. Ha!

We have already been shopping to the grocery store in princess gowns twice this week. One day, as their little sparkly duds were line drying, we still couldn't get in the car without all the princess accessories. Going to the store has never been so stinkin' cute!

On any normal shopping adventure, we get plenty of gawkers and people who stop us to ask probing 'twin' questions (and an 'oh, you have another little one, too'), but princess twins stirred it up more. The girls usually look at me with uncertainty when people repetitively ask them, 'are you twins?' or 'how old are you?' but when people stopped to comment, 'look at you little princesses,' Anna and Esther never once questioned their royal status and shyly smiled.

I began to think how easy it must be at 3 years old to walk so confidently in your identity. My girls didn't think it was anything but normal to be strolling through the aisles with tiaras and beads on and no one made them doubt they were anything but little majesties as they twirled around.

Lately, I have been struggling to dance around in my Mommy crown. As I have been weening off my postpartum medications and trying to feel like my normal self again, I don't have the overwhelming joy I once experienced in every aspect of kid living.

It wasn't until a discussion in my Bible study group when one Mom shared a passage from a book she was reading that it totally connected the dots.

"Motherhood will change you - if you let it.  And believe me, you do want to let it change you, because when you've refined the art of not thinking first of yourself, you will very much like the person you become.  Plus, you'll experience so much more joy and satisfaction from your life with your children."

-Barbara Curtis, The Mommy Survival Guide

I realized I wasn't completely embracing my Mommy identity. I have been fighting it. I keep looking back to the person I once was before becoming a Mom and trying to fit my life then into my life now. It just doesn't mix and turns into a frustrating cycle of unhappiness.

Lately, I have found myself sacrificing valuable time with my kids because of my deep need to have a super organized, tidy house like when I lived alone. I have been pining away for the days when everything was always organized, in it's proper place, and could even be found in it's proper space. I went to bed at night with a clean house without a sole dish in the sink before crawling into fresh, perfectly folded sheets.
          It's an impossible task to accomplish these days and turns into an exhausting circle of trying to find contentment in my house rather than in my sweet lovies. 

Before marriage and kids, time with the Lord came in abundance. I had a worship lifestyle all day long. I was His little songbird. In the evenings after work, if I wasn't being poured into by a mentor, I was studying His Word. I craved the Lord and had plenty of time to sit in quiet time and meditate. So many days now, I think that since I couldn't fit in those same kind of experiences, that the time I do spend isn't equivalent. I'm always trying to catch God in a spare moment, usually in the shower. Singing has been long replaced with tired cries and grunts and I find myself wanting to be selfish and have quiet time to myself to curl up to watch a movie, but instead feel guilty that it's not desired quiet time with the Lord.

The other night, my husband asked me if 'I'm happy,' and I replied with how happy I am.  He begins to tell me he notices every time I look at myself in the mirror, I look at my reflection with sadness. Remembering the days of my cute petite little figure is nothing but a sore reminder of my constant weight struggle. Shopping for clothes as I browse through sizes I never imagined seeing or trying to pick out an outfit for church automatically ruins my cheerful mood for the day. I will grieve the whole morning.
My body made me a Mommy! I can't seem to view my shape as a significance of all the life it created. Instead, it's a standard by which to perfect myself to and only causes anger and disappointment that I can't seem to bounce back like all the other pretty Mommies I see.

With the help of the Lord, I have to let Mommyhood change me and with joy, just like my girls did jumping into being little princesses. It means feeling accomplished and at peace with going to bed with the stickiest, dirtiest floors, being satisfied with that one word the Lord speaks to me as I wash up for a tiresome day ahead, and knowing my body is only a vessel which carried selflessly.

I  have to stop chasing after my old self. Just as with Christ within us, the old is gone, the new has come. I'm now a wife and now a mom. There is no comparison of the two.

My kids are an extension of me. Loving them is like loving myself and I never thought I could love pieces of myself as much as I love them. It's like while I was carrying them on the inside, they grabbed a big chuck of my heart and are now running around with it on the outside and carrying it around with them.

I am reflected in the little people I am growing up. It's true beauty in all it's making 

and the most extravagant princess gown of them all!

Accepting Full Price

I recently finished up a 10 week women's study on "Passion Pursuit" with some ladies in our church. It was primarily focused on intimacy in marriage, but turned out to be one of the richest studies I have ever done. So much that, I plan to go through the book again with some friends. Not only did it fine tune my relationship with my husband, but it flowed out into so many other areas of my life and exposing deep rooted struggles.

One of the chapters of homework really caught me off guard. It was on forgiveness and accepting the full cost of the cross.

Check the box, I got that covered. (Pride Alert)

As I delved into the chapter and answered the questions, I realized how much faith I lack in the sacrifice Christ made for me. I found that the, somewhat, easy part was accepting/expecting forgiveness from the Father when I earnestly ask and that He no longer holds my records of wrongs, but there is a huge lack of faith in forgiving myself. (Gulp)

Holding on to past sins by feeling guilty or punishing myself is not fully handing it over to the Lord and his ultimate sacrifice.
                         He paid for it all. He set me free. 
                         Free from sin. 
                         Free from punishment (not to be confused with consequences).
                         Free from condemnation. 
                         Free from the enemy's taunting.

It requires great faith to pour myself fully unto Him and allow His full grace and His full mercy to overflow and take over my life. Otherwise, I am just picking my sins back up from the cross and carrying them with me. This faith is harder than I ever imagined because I know I am so U.N.D.E.S.E.R.V.I.N.G.

If you read Luke 7:36-50, there is the beautiful story of the woman who fell at Christ's feet. She anointed him with perfume and her tears in sincere repentance. The Lord responded very clearly:

47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” ..... 50 “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

After meditating on Luke 7 for quite some time through the lesson, Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery (Authors of Passion Pursuit) proposed a thought provoking journal entry:

Passion Pursuit by Linda Dillow & Linda Slattery, Page 140, Authentic Intimacy

The journal challenge above painted such a beautiful picture and put His love in such sweet perspective.

I immediately envisioned the Lord sitting in the room, waiting with anticipation as He expected my entrance. He was delighted when He saw my face and quietly said my name as I came to His feet. He gently held out His hands to touch my face as I knelt before Him in brokenness.

Gosh, what security and faith He bestows!

His plans are not to harm me. After all, He died for me! Died so that I may be free. Free to let go of my own selfish control and live in peace. Forgive myself and lavish in the joy He has set before me.

8 

"The Lord is compassionate and merciful,

    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

9 

He will not constantly accuse us,

    nor remain angry forever.

10 

He does not punish us for all our sins;

    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.

11 

For his unfailing love toward those who fear him

    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

12 

He has removed our sins as far from us

    as the east is from the west.

13 

The Lord is like a father to his children,

    tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

14 

For he knows how weak we are;

    he remembers we are only dust."

- Psalm 103:8-14

VHS Tape

What does complete surrender and reckless abandonment look like?
What does it look like when God blows open my paradigm of expectations and boxes I have confined Him in?

These are some questions I have been pondering in my own life. There seems to be a lot stirring around spiritually and some serious [spiritual] heart surgery taking place.

Many of us can remember the VHS tape.You could watch and record your favorite movies. It was awesome. You thought it couldn't get any better than that. Then, many years later the DVD was introduced along with Blue-Ray, and now Ta-Daa, there's Amazon Instant Video. You can get almost any movie streaming instantly in your home, phone, or tablet with the push of a button.

Sometimes we can end up making God like the VHS tape and stick Him in the box. We find ourselves getting comfortable and complacent. We are happy with the way things are or with what He is doing in our lives and don't think it can get any better than our current circumstance. And honestly, a lot of us think God just can't do the impossible things. We limit His infinite power, resources, glory, and might.  

I totally caught myself doing that this week. My husband mentioned one of the couples in our church who own an orphanage in Kenya. I was totally blown away by the idea and caught myself wanting to put it in my Book of Possibilities to do one day. But then, how could I possibly do that along with the all the other things we have dreams of doing like marriage counseling to others, service/missions, a dress shoppe, enjoying all my kids and their families in the same spot, and with the resources we have, etc.

H.E.L.L.O...I have an AWESOME GOD! 

I put him in a box! Who says I can't do it all! Sure, some things may not happen, like the Betamax. Haha! God may have far and better ministry opportunities than I have imagined. But these desires that God is inspiring do not all have to happen at the same point and time in my life. Each may call forth their own season. They all have their place, working their way up to the next big thing. God will surprise me all along the way in the journey I never thought possible. It will be like abandoning that old VHS for Insta. Mind - Blown!

But in the same sentence, do I know how or what it looks like to live completely surrendered and follow in reckless, blind abandonment. Saying, "Yes, God!" to all of His callings.

Sure, in my mind, I say, 'That's easy. Of course, God.' But when I think how the disciples just dropped everything they had, knew, and owned to follow Jesus when called, "Come and follow me," I'm struggling.

My husband was presented with a possible job promotion over the last week. It would require us to move from our snugly comfort zone of life and home. I found myself saying, "I will go here, but I won't go there." I was putting limits on what God was putting on the table. It may not be what I envisioned, what I wanted, what I looked forward to, and may have ultimately been really challenging, but....

                                                                         where has God failed me yet???

No, we aren't moving. It looks like we are still staying here for another season, but it was a good test of my heart strings. I have work to do. I want and must be in total surrender to His perfect will and calling at all times. There won't always be a warning process. He may instantly want my, 'Yes, God.'

God has bestowed us with many opportunities, talents, gifts, favor, wealth, etc. He doesn't expect us to selfishly keep it all for ourselves in our own boxes as well. He wants us to impart it, share it with everyone around us. He is embracing us with heart choices. Choices of saying, "Yes!"

And in turn, God will blow open our small box in our small mind of what He looks like, His Glory and Power, and give us a much BIGGER picture of WHO HE IS.

My Champagne Cup

I have been a camel in the desert since bringing home our new little guy from the hospital. Trying to balance life with a newborn and twins under the age of 2 has been quite the challenge. Now that we are 4 months in, we are getting the hang of things and starting to glide, but I can tell you for sure, my reservoir has been left
empty...

            lifeless...

                        depleted...

Motherhood is not to be taken lightly. It is an extreme dying of self. Sleep, privacy, sanity...it's all gone. Some days you lose yourself in the diapers, feedings, fussing, refereeing, etc. It's easy to forget there's a person under that mouth wiped on, snot and tears stained shirt. 

In some ways, I have lost sight of my true identity (or it could just be my DNA unraveling at the seams from so many sleepless nights. Ha!). It really took God softening my heart this past week for me to cave in. I have to be strong and sufficient for so many people (well, 3 little people and one big one). I rely on myself for everyone. There is no room for me to let my guard down to let Jesus in to take over when I'm falling to pieces.

I saw a vision of myself in the way God sees me, even as a Mother: I was His little toddler. I was still full of sweet and innocence, running and falling at the feet of my Father. It was like picturing myself in the form of my little Anna running into my arms. He put His arms around me as I buried my tears in His lap. 

I need him. I'm still His little girl. I'm not this strong tough Mom guiding my way through all on my own. I'm more to Him than that.

It didn't take long after that for the Lord to show me the error of my ways. Our teaching pastor at church has been the fire the last few weeks. I'm talking, pruning some major branches here (John 15:2). He gave the perfect illustration: If I picture myself as a pitcher of water and sitting out are all my cups, each cup resembling everything I pour myself into (marriage, children, work, small group, activities, service, household chores, God, etc.), then pouring myself into each one and leaving whatever small drops I have left for God is all wrong. Even if I am majorly pouring most of myself into the "God" cup and still pouring small drops into all my other cups...it's still all wrong. 

He went further to picture that we need to be like a champagne glass fountain, like the ones you see at wedding receptions. I need to be pouring all of myself into just one cup. The "God" cup, the one cup at the very top of the fountain that overflows and cascades down and out into all the other cups. Not only is it beautiful but it all works together in perfect alignment without any cups going dry. God will fill my cups overflowing in everything I do if I give myself and everything I have to Him. 

Beautiful. 

Life and motherhood simplified with just ONE glass- God.

Mommy Blues and Fresh Perspectives

Recently, I got to have some much needed girl time with one of my best friends. Our conversations usually center around what God is doing in our lives...and I can tell you that we end up in a time warp. Five hours can go by like it was two before it's so late that my husband usually texts her to tell her to send home his overly tired pregnant wife. Haha!

I shared with her how I have been in a Mommy funk or what I like to call the "Mommy Blues." It's been hard being at home and not being able to participate in all the things I want to do, see all the friends I want to spend time with, and just generally, being kind of lonely in toddler world. I can't remember the last time I had a break and it's been a couple months since I have had a date with my husband.

My mornings have looked a little like this every day this week: In the first 5 minutes the girls are up while I am getting breakfast together, the girls go straight to the bathroom, throw my clothes and suede boots into the bathtub and turn on the water. While digging out the soggy mess, they run to the next room pouring out all the seasonings my husband left out on the table, all over the floor including pouring salt on the raisins they are eating and having a meltdown because I throw them away.

Or changing Anna's diaper only to have Esther slinging baby food all over the carpet and while scrubbing and "Resolving" the mess, I find Anna is pouring laundry detergent in the litter box and then trying to scoop the detergent back out into the detergent bucket. Ahhhhhh......

I have had an unspeakable joy through these Mommy times. I love it so! The normal Mommy days just don't get to me. I can store up gladness like a camel and carry through. But my reserve has started to dry up. I'm thirsty. I'm so thirsty! I'm falling short by The Well. I'm unraveling....

My dear friend had all the fresh perspectives I needed to start changing it all around and to start living in the face of the Lord again. She reminded me that this is a season God has placed me in with purpose. Everything in this season is different and I can't compare it to the last. The people I'm pouring into looks different than I envisioned...I'm discipling two toddlers to grow up to go out and shine in the world. My worship and service has new and different aspects...changing diapers, feeding, comforting, singing songs and playing are all acts of worship unto the Lord. And until the kids get a little bigger and I can start having a little more freedom, God has Grace for me in this season.

She also suggested in my quiet time reading that I stick to the Psalms for a while. The Psalms record David's ups and downs... his joy, his anger, his praise, his sorrow, his crying out unto the Lord, his struggles...it's all there. Each day I have read, it's been like, 'Whoa! This is how I feel today.' It's like an outline to lay my feelings and circumstances at the alter of the Most High daily, moment by moment and not forgetting to worship in the mist of it all. The words meditate on my heart all day long. It's bringing back that joy aspect into my day.

We had some friends pray over my husband and I after our "Baby Sprinkle." My heart broke down as one prayed how I had walked out this past season alone in excellence, but this season isn't going to be repeated with our new baby. I will have more help, more friends stopping by to visit, boldness to ask friends for help, and the fullness of His joy will wash over me again...new, every day! I felt as though a portion of my plate of burdens was lifted right off my shoulders. God hasn't forgotten where He has placed me. He's about to start something new in my daily Mommyhood. Their sweet prayers spoke that I am the Lord's delight!

It wasn't until sharing my burdens in Small Group last night that I felt totally freed. The Lord took the last few scoops off my plate and took them all for Him to bare. Everything is changing and my heart is now light!

Sure, this morning, I indulged in a cup of chocolate pudding with my eggs, toast, and o.j out of pity for myself. Yesterday, I couldn't wait to escape out the door just for an hour dental appt that was 8 months over due. I look on with exasperation as I can no longer keep up with the girls, laundry, and dishes and am unsure if my house will ever be clean again. The nursery still isn't prepared for our new boy. And Kyle and I are holding our breath for my thoughtful Dad to visit next weekend to give us a date night....
One of the toughest weeks that looked like the end of me became a week I am filled again and being restored to my full Motherhood joy. I am exactly where God wants me to be.

Matthew 11: ²⁸Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Myrrh Poured Heart

The other day, I had a friend who posted the ever familiar Donna Lewis lyrics: "I love you, always forever. Near or far, Closer together."

It was truly God inspired as I was driving in the car yesterday, the tune popped into my head and I started singing along the famous words. "....Everywhere I will be with you. Everything I do will be for you." It was though God was saying, 'exactly my thoughts.'

You see, I have been struggling with sin separating issues of the heart. These roots can be deeply traced back into childhood. It's damages have resulted in bitterness and resentment causing rock hard layers to surround and squeeze out the God fruit.

My legalistic mindset tells me that God is angry and disappointed with me, that I'm not measuring up, and that God is sitting on the sidelines waiting for me to find freedom and release from these heart infestations all on my own before He will come back on the scene and enter back in. The legalism tells me I'm separated in all ways.

Reflecting on Song of Solomon 5, in the Art of Conflict, I remembered how deeply love moved my heart was in discovering how Solomon responded to his wife's closed heart.

² I slept, but my heart was awake,
    when I heard my lover knocking and calling:
“Open to me, my treasure, my darling,
    my dove, my perfect one.
My head is drenched with dew,
    my hair with the dampness of the night.”

³ But I responded,
“I have taken off my robe.
    Should I get dressed again?
I have washed my feet.
    Should I get them soiled?”

⁴ My lover tried to unlatch the door,
    and my heart thrilled within me.
⁵ I jumped up to open the door for my love,
    and my hands dripped with perfume.
My fingers dripped with lovely myrrh
    as I pulled back the bolt.

Solomon called out to her. God is calling out to me. Solomon wanted her to open her door and heart to him. God is sweetly doing the same to me. When she [I] responded, in dishonor. He responded by pouring "lovely" myrrh on her door. He was leaving "his calling card of love." He didn't respond in anger and disappointment.  

Truth is, it's only with God and His Supernatural love and forgiveness that I can receive heart surgery and move forward. He's right here even though I'm being separated by my flesh and doing the things that I do not want to do (Romans 8). God is pouring myrrh [love] and grace on my closed door of a heart and chiseling away at the brick layer over it to find that soft spot inside to bring freedom, healing, and a deeper connection with Him.

God is omniscient and can see me in the whole picture. He's not frustrated by my current struggles. He sees all of me, all the beauty, all we can overcome together, and He longs to be with me again in my Christ covered self. He sees what I look like when I come out on the other side. And I will be better than before. There are deeper layers of His heart to discover in this too.

Even after rejecting Solomon, he still tried to unlatch the door. Soon, his wife's heart became "thrilled within her" and she jumped up to open the door. Soon, I too will jump up to open the door and my hands and heart with be drenched with the myrrh of His gracious love.

I love you. Always. Forever. 
Near or Far, Push'em together!

My Two Loaves and Maybe a Fish

In previous months, there has been an acceleration in hunger and in growing with the Lord. I couldn't get enough of reading His word. I was craving His time, voice, and secrets only He could reveal. I was running, running, running, then pow...I have come to a swift halt at the edge of a cliff. I have been stunned with fear to move forward. Specifically, there's a responsibility the Lord has gifted and entrusted me with and I can't seem to take the leap and jump on over to the other side and get moving again. 

I shared my struggles with my husband, who had some insight on the situation. Kyle revealed that I am stunned with fear because I'm trying to jump the cliff on my own strength instead of the Lord taking the few pieces I have to offer up and let Him expand it and grow me up in it to make that leap into a large step. Kyle used the passage of Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand to help me understand.

Matthew 14:13 Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. 14 When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. 15 Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” 16 But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” 17 They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” 18 And he said, “Bring them here to me.” 19 Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. 20 And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. 21 And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Often times, we let our selfishness, control, and problems overwhelm us and sometimes look like impossible hurdles. This passage exemplifies that God doesn't ask us to solve our own problems. He is asking us to give whatever small portion of ourselves we have to offer up. He will then take it and bless it, and when He gives it back to us it will be enough. Jesus will multiply our efforts until completion.

It's the small things that make the biggest different. Soon, we can let the small portions we give be taken so that the Lord can feed five thousand through us! ;)

Still Stepping Into the New

Some of you may know my story, some of you might just know bits and pieces of my story, and others may know none of it at all. I grew up in the church. Growing up I learned how to be a "good girl" and how to do all of the right things,  but I never learned how to have a real relationship with Jesus. I knew all the rights and wrongs. I knew the "Christian" stuff to do. I was always the "good girl." I even carried my Bible around in high school for everyone to see.  I thought I had to do those things in order to gain God's favor in some way or if I didn't do those things, I would be punished. 

I eventually stepped away altogether until about 4 years ago during one of my lowest points, I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit that changed me forever and I experienced His presence for the very first time. I had made a mess of my life and had made all the wrong decisions so much I couldn't recognize myself anymore. Ashley was gone. There is a lot that has happened since that amazing moment. Chains have been steadily falling off and I am constantly learning, growing, and moving forward. 

There are still things that I struggle with when it comes to doing things out of a religious heart. Reading my Bible is one of those "religious" struggles. I find that a lot of days, I do it because I'm supposed to. Some days I read through just to finish the day's allotted selected reading. Most days, I struggle with the desire to. There seems to be a loss of heart in the action.

For a while, my solution was to just not read it at all, but that was just as unsettling. I know I'm supposed to be diving in and staying grounded.

I also know I have accountability with my husband and sometimes with other friends. I also know it's still probably better for me to stay in the Word even though my motivations are askew. I believe God doesn't waste time even when I'm wrong. I prayed for a change of heart so many times. After all, I am hungry for it, so what's the problem?

A couple weeks ago, Kyle and I were on the way home from my Dad's house in Alabama. We were in the car listening to Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding, California together. If you're up for the challenge of listening, you can find it here: The Art of Living Clean. It will fill you up, for sure! 

Bill spoke about how when he sits down to read the Word, he reads until the Lord speaks to his heart. He wasn't speaking of just a few verses, but portions of scripture. He said he does not want to go a day without hearing the Voice of the Lord. Whoa! 

He also spoke about how reading the Word filters through down in our lives and seems to re-calibrate all of our systems at one time. He used an example of dealing with resentment with another. When you read, the Word doesn't just speak to bitterness, it speaks to the issue of joy, love, patience, etc. The Word washes over and stirs up our hearts. 

There is something that happens when you get in the Word. God calls to us, woos us, and draws us in. And you allow Him to speak to your heart to draw you near. 

"The closer you draw to God, the less you can take with you." -Bill Johnson

How have my eyes not been opened before?! It seems so obvious! It changes everything.

Since this discovery, I have had more meaningful, intentional quiet times. I'm not just sitting down reading words on a page to get through what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I'm sitting down with the Almighty! I'm sitting down with His Living Words that are speaking into my life and heart. He has lots to share, more joy to fill me up, and ever so much more pruning. 

I have started to pick more intentional times during the day that allow me to be at rest, open, and allows more time for Him to speak. I want to be the most available to what He has in store. 

My quiet times are not so dreaded, not so rushed, my heart is open...waiting and anticipating what the Lord has to say! We have a living God who is speaking! I now have new ears to listen! :)  

Just One of Those Days

I'm a twin mom. I can handle it, right? That's what I have been saying to myself all day long. This morning started off pretty humorously. [I have to tell the stories even if it makes my entry a little more lengthy.] Signs of a good day from the start, but I found that was not the fate of my day.

Most mornings I get up with Kyle (without the snooze button and all. Preposterous!) to help get his things together for work, pack his lunch, and make his breakfast so that he can have a smooth morning out the door and wonderful "home" thoughts before leaving out into the work world. :)

Kyle's alarm went of this morning as he knocked it to the floor while it continued to make it's wretched noise, waking me up enough to notice the time on my clock: 5:50am. What? Kyle's alarm usually goes off at 6am! I am not a morning person at all so, of course, the morning stubbornness in me took over and I refused to get out of the bed until 6am.  He got in the shower and I waited until 6:05am to get up. I met him in the bathroom as the shower facet turned off. I told him in my girlish attitude that his wife refuses to get out of the bed before 6am to get the day started. He laughed and said that he had purposely set my clock ahead so that I would start getting into bed earlier at night. I objected that my clock was accurate and that his clock time was early. He argued back with the same reply. I contested him again only adding that either way he has gypped me...either of an added few minutes of precious sleep in the mornings or shorting my back rubs at night! [Kyle has a rule, which I pushover every night, that if I want a back massage before sleep that I must get to bed early because his bedtime is strictly 10pm and he ceases all activities]. All he could do was hysterically laugh at me and my objections as he went to find one of our cell phones to verify the time! And for all of you who are wondering, my clock was accurate! ;)

I then proceeded to put on tennis shoes while wearing my bathrobe. Kyle gave me funny looks before starting to make fun of me. I mean, this doesn't happen, EVER! See...I have been little "Susie Homemaker" this week. I have done more cooking in just a couple days then I probably do in a week, so my barefooted feet hurt from standing in the kitchen for long periods of time and I needed some extra foot support, even to make Kyle's breakfast. He continued to laugh and we both just started laughing at all the morning humor and started our morning fun.

But after Kyle left for work, my day quickly changed. From the little things: running to the store at 8am for much needed baby items that we suddenly found ourselves out of and then forgetting to use the coupons we had at checkout. To the bigger things: having a cancellation at the last minute so I would have to take the girls with me to my hair appointment. The hairdresser didn't even have time to style my hair due to the synchronized crying coming from two baby onlookers (We hadn't even been there 15 minutes). To everything in between: no baby naps, terrible teething from both, calling customer service about misshipped babies' birthday invitations, and on down my list of crazy things gone wrong. Aye yi yi! And did I mention all the stares from ladies who thought I should know better than to bring babies into the salon.

Ugh.....

I'm a twin mom! I deal with this stuff all the time! It usually doesn't get to me like this. God, just a little grace today! It's one of those days! I kept thinking, 'God, what are you really trying to teach me here today? I'm  just not open. It's a really hard day.'
It's one of those days. It's just one of those days....

:: Light bulb moment::

I have posted it before, you can listen here: One of Those Days by Danny Silk. I love the story! I choke up every time I hear it. The story entered my mind and I heard God whisper to my heart, 'Ashley, I'm so proud of you!'

He just wanted to love on me in the very moments/days that seemed the hardest and to remind me that 'He's so proud of me!'

Ahhhh....the day and all it's heaviness just seemed to break and my attitude quickly ceased fire.

Thanks, God, for loving me even when I am unlovable.
Joy comes in the Morning! Psalm 30:5

No crying over spilled milk, Mommy!

Seasons of Separation = Closeness

We all have our shares of struggles, times of trial, and sin that separates. The hardship is usually tough and we all seem to hold our breath for better days when the season is at a close. A lot of the time, grumbling is involved throughout the painful process. I'm guilty. I tend to get selfish and think how unfair the problems seem or question why I can't just let go of the things that create severance with the Father. We would all like to live the good life 100% of the time. I mean, we were created with this eternal perspective in mind; I'm talking about living with the Father eternally in Heaven one day, presumably. But what if we took on our struggles and separation with a different view in mind. 

This weekend, the girls and I took a long weekend to visit my extended family leaving my husband behind due to his work. It was the first weekend the girls and I have ever been separated from Kyle. The time apart was hard on us both, but we were both looking forward to the moment that our hearts would be physically joined back together. And even in such a short time away from each other, it brought us a little closer and appreciate each other with more excitement. I don't really need to repeat the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" quote here, do I? ::smile:: 

Last night, upon our return, as Kyle tucked the girls away in their own little cribs at three in the morning, the overwhelming smile on sweet Essie's face was priceless. Even she was so full of joy to see her Daddy and be back in her little baby bed again. She was smiling ear to ear and you could see it radiate even in the dark. 

What if we looked at our difficult chapters in life with this example? What if we took on our trials with more anticipation of what God had in store for our futures rather than to grumble and 'Ba-humbug' away the consecutive bad days? I mean, He is trying to teach us something valuable here, right? Maybe even something that will teach others or strengthen us in the future even in our failures. We can only see in 20/20 hindsight while God is navigating ahead and always with plans to prosper us (Jeremiah 29:11). 

In the mist, we call home more - pray and seek out the Father. Our hearts yearn and anticipate Him. We tend to open our ears, wait for His words, and yearn for Him to make His presence known.

The trying season brings forth a season of closeness with Him that we never thought possible. He embraces us with His overwhelming love and grace.  We grow! We learn even more aspects of each attribute of who He is. It brings us closer and strengthens our relationship with Him, and ultimately He reveals more of our identity in Him. All of which make us little Esther's in a world of darkness...our joy overflows to those around us when all is right again.

^{2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "}That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

An Esther Smile