My Two Loaves and Maybe a Fish

In previous months, there has been an acceleration in hunger and in growing with the Lord. I couldn't get enough of reading His word. I was craving His time, voice, and secrets only He could reveal. I was running, running, running, then pow...I have come to a swift halt at the edge of a cliff. I have been stunned with fear to move forward. Specifically, there's a responsibility the Lord has gifted and entrusted me with and I can't seem to take the leap and jump on over to the other side and get moving again. 

I shared my struggles with my husband, who had some insight on the situation. Kyle revealed that I am stunned with fear because I'm trying to jump the cliff on my own strength instead of the Lord taking the few pieces I have to offer up and let Him expand it and grow me up in it to make that leap into a large step. Kyle used the passage of Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand to help me understand.

Matthew 14:13 Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. 14 When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. 15 Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” 16 But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” 17 They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” 18 And he said, “Bring them here to me.” 19 Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. 20 And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. 21 And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Often times, we let our selfishness, control, and problems overwhelm us and sometimes look like impossible hurdles. This passage exemplifies that God doesn't ask us to solve our own problems. He is asking us to give whatever small portion of ourselves we have to offer up. He will then take it and bless it, and when He gives it back to us it will be enough. Jesus will multiply our efforts until completion.

It's the small things that make the biggest different. Soon, we can let the small portions we give be taken so that the Lord can feed five thousand through us! ;)

Samuel in the Sleepless

There was a very valuable lesson I learned when I was being discipled by a friend a few years ago that I often like to encourage others with. Many nights before bed, I ask the Lord to speak and to minister to me while I am sleeping. The nights that I do, I can tell you that I am never disappointed. We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, so why wouldn't the Lord take advantage of that time especially when our heart is at rest?

But what about those sleepless nights? 

Monday night, I had the opportunity to spend some time catching up with a few of my beloved sisters in Christ. My friend, Kim, was sharing that recently she was having trouble sleeping. She was waking up in the night and couldn't go back to sleep for long periods of time. Kim, being a full time wife and mother like me, understands that sleep is golden. She shared a common frustration of asking the Lord, 'Why can't I sleep? You know I need the rest.' 

The story of Samuel quickly came to mind and I shared that maybe the Lord was awaking her so that He could speak.

1Samuel 3: Meanwhile, the boy Samuel served the Lord by assisting Eli. Now in those days messages from the Lord were very rare, and visions were quite uncommon.

² One night Eli, who was almost blind by now, had gone to bed. ³ The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was sleeping in the Tabernacle near the Ark of God. ⁴ Suddenly the Lord called out, “Samuel!”
“Yes?” Samuel replied. “What is it?” ⁵ He got up and ran to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
“I didn’t call you,” Eli replied. “Go back to bed.” So he did.
⁶ Then the Lord called out again, “Samuel!”
Again Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
“I didn’t call you, my son,” Eli said. “Go back to bed.”
⁷ Samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had never had a message from the Lordbefore. ⁸ So the Lord called a third time, and once more Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
Then Eli realized it was the Lord who was calling the boy. ⁹ So he said to Samuel, “Go and lie down again, and if someone calls again, say, ‘Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went back to bed.
¹⁰ And the Lord came and called as before, “Samuel! Samuel!”
And Samuel replied, “Speak, your servant is listening.”

Recently, I have had the same problem for weeks now. It happens almost every night where I awaken sometime between the hours of 1:30-3:30am and I can not go back to sleep. I have completely chalked it up to my erratic hormones of being newly pregnant, but this morning the thought hit me...

I'm not exempted from the Samuel story, hormones and all. God doesn't waste our time. He knows I need the rest. He controls my [crazy] hormones. Maybe He is trying to speak to me also!

Talk about a 'Duh!' moment! 

So the next night I spend frustratingly fighting with my pillows and trying to find that invisible comfy spot in the bed, I'm going to open up my heart, "Speak, your servant is listening," and connect with the heart of my Creator! 

Maybe sweet sleep and rest will quickly find me after! ;) 

This Year, October Brings.....

October is a significant month for me and my husband. God seems to bless our lives with new adventures that are forever life changing this time every year, which seems fitting since October is already representative for change. 

October calls forth a changing of seasons. It brings with it the crisp cool air of fall with changing colored leaves that express God's glorious creativity. October also has it's festive fun that can't be found in any other season. I'm talking about pumpkin carving, hay rides, corn mazes, orchards and apple cider, trick or treating, etc. Yes to all, please! 

We also seem to have a theme of October associations in our family. Pumpkin Pie is a favorite here in the Adam's household. Kyle and I eat it no matter what time of year it is. We love it. We make a date night out of it. A good classic movie and pumpkin pie making! Kyle has also given me the pet name, "Nangua," which means 'little pumpkin' in Chinese. It started out as a fortune cookie joke that stayed. We also call our twin baby girls, 'punkins.' We have an obvious love of pumpkins around here. 

So what has been so life changing for us in this fabulous month of October? 

It all starts on October 24, 2009. Kyle and I met for the very first time at a Haunted House at a group gathering from church. He gave me his sweatshirt since it was freezing outside and I was unprepared for any other activities other than dinner where Kyle had previously laid eyes on me and knew I would forever change him. ::ahhhh, sweet romance:: We got carried away in a discussion about a zombie who was in a group entertaining the lines of people with Michael Jackson's "Thriller" dance. We went on to have our first date together on Halloween. 

Kyle took me out on a real blind date on October 29, 2010. I mean, I was actually blindfolded as he took me to a special location set up for a proposal. And, of course, I said, "Yes!" 

Before our twins were delivered a few weeks early, our original due date was October 13, 2011. Unfortunately, Esther had to stay in the NICU for some time, but we were finally able to bring her home on October 5, 2011. Mommy was finally at peace and in love with both of her babies home. 

Kyle would also go on to take his Professional Engineering exam just a couple weeks later after about 100 hours of studying and 4 years of engineering in training requirements. He passed and obtained his license! We are so proud of our Kyle! It was definitely a career changer and would later come to be in our favor for Kyle's new job. 

So, what does this year, 2012, bring in the month of October, might you ask? 

Well.....

 New Baby Makes 5! 

After this year's October blessing, we can't wait to see what God has in store for us in the October to come! Lots of new chapters and new adventures to come for our still very new family! 

The Moon? Throw a Lasso Around It!

If you were one that attended our wedding, you heard my sister give a very memorable but sentimental toast at the reception. Her toast described how I have always loved Disney. When I was a child, it started with all the fairy tales: Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, Cinderella, etc., but then as I grew up, so did Disney. I moved on to guilty pleasures like the High School Musicals, Wizards of Waverly Place, Hannah Montana, etc . The point was I always had a dream of a fairy tale romance. It almost seemed like an impossible dream or that my expectations were to the sky. In short, her toast was describing that I had finally found my fairy tale romance that I had always dreamed of. Kyle romances me to the moon and back and I love it! It makes our relationship exciting and spicy.

This dream of a fairy tale romance was not given completely by those Disney tales, although they do fill a girls head with all the right ideas! Ha! But it was inspired by God who created me with the dream and desire to be swept off my feet not only in a dating relationship but in my marriage too. He knew the plans He had made for my life and only drove me to crave it until I found it- Kyle. It wasn't easy believing that dream could come true and there was a time I forfeited it altogether, but God restored me to that privileged dream.

This week God began awakening me to start dreaming big dreams with Him. I don't know yet what these dreams may be or what they may even look like, but they have me eagerly seeking out the Father's heart. They are dreams that seem bigger than I am. Ones that leave me feeling intimidated, apprehensive, but yet intrigued and anticipated all in the same breath. I feel like they will push me out of my comfort zones, but only to find even bigger joy and double portions when I get there. It is hard to reach down inside yourself to find what you or I are really capable of doing/being....to push myself straight into God's big plans!  

I feel like Genesis 15:5 when ^"the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, “Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have!” 

I'm not speaking of descendants here. Haha! God is figuratively speaking like George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life." "What is it you want, Mary Ashley? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary Ashley."

God's taking me under the clouds of the day, under the starry night sky, and wanting me to dream dreams with Him. That is just indescribably exciting!!! I am aligning myself with Him, His Will, and His big Dreams. I get to be part of God's plan! And then see them fulfilled!

It is only when we align our dreams with God that those dreams can really come true! Not by our own works, striving, strengths, or selfish aspirations. It's when we submit entirely to God and His prosperous plans for our lives. Dreaming Big Dreams with His Heart!

In order for those dreams to be fulfilled, He is calling me to have faith, childlike faith, to believe in Him so that we can take hold of those dreams that are in store. To have faith that only He, the Almighty, can do. The anything, everything, and the impossible.

Now that might seem easy, but I look at Abraham who was 100 years old, and think....I would have to dig deep to find that faith in believing God would give me a son at that age. But Genesis 15:6 says, "And Abram believed the Lord, and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith."

Are you inspired to dream dreams with the Most High? He wants to dream enormous dreams with you! The easy ones... that husband you're waiting for, that job you're anticipating, a captivating romance, a restored marriage, missions, or the impossible ones that our hearts have yet to dream with Him or ones in the process of being fulfilled by Him. 

I look at where I am now compared to just years ago. I have undeserving favor and living dreams I never knew could really be obtained, better ones than I could have ever imagined, and God's calling for more... more dreams, more joy, more of His heart and less of mine! There's always more dreams to be dreamed. We don't just have so settle with current aspired dreams. I don't want to become complacent in the dreams God has already and is fulfilling in my life. There's so much more to God and His heart to be shared with us!! 

Babies Growth Update

It's week 2 of turning 1 years old and our little Anna and Esther think they need to leave all things baby behind to become toddlers. My little heart has been sad for the past couple weeks. Don't misunderstand, it's so exciting to watch them grow and learn, but it is going all too fast for me and my heart has not had time to catch up. ::tears:: Here's a little bit of feats and 'goings on' just in this past week:

Anna signed for the first time on Sunday. She signed, "All done" at lunch when she was teething and didn't want any more food since her gums were hurting, poor punkin'. Her 3rd tooth popped through the next day.

On Tuesday, I made mac & cheese for Esther and I to share since she has been picking up foods on her own, but she not only wanted to feed herself, but she also wanted to feed Mommy too! I think she made more of a mess trying to feed me than herself. Haha! It was super cute! 

Wednesday, we got our 2nd little set of pitter patters around the house. Esther officially started walking! Yay! She surprised us on this. I thought it might be a little longer for her as she hasn't seemed interested in walking at the sight of Anna walking at 11 months old. Anna was determined and kept trying over and over, but not Esther. Esther just wanted to get up and do it without all of the hard work. Walking seems to definitely be all in her mindset as she thinks out every step. I shouldn't have expected anything less. She is my little observer. She watches everything closely and tries to figure out how everything works. You may think she is sitting and doing nothing, but you're wrong. She is processing everything; another reason she can find her way out of almost anything.  She is currently trying to figure out how to undo the seat belt on her high chair. She watches us very carefully each time we unbuckle her and then she tries to investigate the belt and imitate.

We also had our 12 month checkup and vaccinations on Wednesday. This was the worst visit yet since they were so much more aware of what was going on compared to all the younger months. They did not like their shots one bit and definitely showed the nurse that they no longer liked her after each getting 4 shots and blood drawn. :( However, we have two super healthy babies! And the doctor did say that we could finish up our last can of formula and switch completely to whole milk. If you have seen Kyle's recent Facebook statuses, in which he has calculated out how much our babies drink a day plus the cost comparison since I quit nursing at 7 months, you know there is a bit of excitement in this for us!  

Anna at 3 Months / Esther at 12 Months getting weighed at the doctor

Thursday, we found Esther had a 2nd tooth that had come in on the bottom gums. Boy, I thought we were never going to get teeth and now they are popping up like crazy in both of the girls! Essie also ate her first lunch as all solid foods. We are super proud of her! Our babies have been very attached to the baby food so much so that I still can't get Anna to take any bites of table food and I try almost every day. Esther has been interested for a few weeks now by taking over my meals and snacks, but never in her chair until now! Yay! We are finally getting somewhere!

I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure Esther tried to say "Anna" when she was trying to get her partner in crime's attention in the tub that night too. "Mama" and "Dada" are obviously not the first, but I will let it slide. It's just so darn cute that it's her Sissy instead. 

We also went to the Library for "Wiggles & Tickles" Storytime. It's story time geared just for their age group. They absolutely love it! I can't help but love it too! Esther started squealing in the parking lot with anticipation! It was so funny! This week the interactive song had shakers, so of course, Anna and Esther were in their strong element of shaking along with the song. The librarian also pulled out the parachute for a couple songs, which they loved! Anna kept wanting to get on top of it as we were shaking it and making it go up and down. I could hardly get them out the door to go home. They were having so much fun!

What a week of accomplishments for my little punkin's! We are so proud of them! Now if I could just take in these last few baby moments a little longer! Mommy is not quite ready to watch them grow so fast! 

Just in case you were wondering facts.....

Anna and Esther each eat 18oz of baby food per day,

drink 25oz of milk each per day
(that's 3 gallons of milk together per week),

have approximately 7 diaper changes each per day
(that's approximately 14 diapers per day, 100 diapers per week),

and we go through a pack of wipes almost every other day. 

First jacket weather of the season this week!

Still Stepping Into the New

Some of you may know my story, some of you might just know bits and pieces of my story, and others may know none of it at all. I grew up in the church. Growing up I learned how to be a "good girl" and how to do all of the right things,  but I never learned how to have a real relationship with Jesus. I knew all the rights and wrongs. I knew the "Christian" stuff to do. I was always the "good girl." I even carried my Bible around in high school for everyone to see.  I thought I had to do those things in order to gain God's favor in some way or if I didn't do those things, I would be punished. 

I eventually stepped away altogether until about 4 years ago during one of my lowest points, I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit that changed me forever and I experienced His presence for the very first time. I had made a mess of my life and had made all the wrong decisions so much I couldn't recognize myself anymore. Ashley was gone. There is a lot that has happened since that amazing moment. Chains have been steadily falling off and I am constantly learning, growing, and moving forward. 

There are still things that I struggle with when it comes to doing things out of a religious heart. Reading my Bible is one of those "religious" struggles. I find that a lot of days, I do it because I'm supposed to. Some days I read through just to finish the day's allotted selected reading. Most days, I struggle with the desire to. There seems to be a loss of heart in the action.

For a while, my solution was to just not read it at all, but that was just as unsettling. I know I'm supposed to be diving in and staying grounded.

I also know I have accountability with my husband and sometimes with other friends. I also know it's still probably better for me to stay in the Word even though my motivations are askew. I believe God doesn't waste time even when I'm wrong. I prayed for a change of heart so many times. After all, I am hungry for it, so what's the problem?

A couple weeks ago, Kyle and I were on the way home from my Dad's house in Alabama. We were in the car listening to Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding, California together. If you're up for the challenge of listening, you can find it here: The Art of Living Clean. It will fill you up, for sure! 

Bill spoke about how when he sits down to read the Word, he reads until the Lord speaks to his heart. He wasn't speaking of just a few verses, but portions of scripture. He said he does not want to go a day without hearing the Voice of the Lord. Whoa! 

He also spoke about how reading the Word filters through down in our lives and seems to re-calibrate all of our systems at one time. He used an example of dealing with resentment with another. When you read, the Word doesn't just speak to bitterness, it speaks to the issue of joy, love, patience, etc. The Word washes over and stirs up our hearts. 

There is something that happens when you get in the Word. God calls to us, woos us, and draws us in. And you allow Him to speak to your heart to draw you near. 

"The closer you draw to God, the less you can take with you." -Bill Johnson

How have my eyes not been opened before?! It seems so obvious! It changes everything.

Since this discovery, I have had more meaningful, intentional quiet times. I'm not just sitting down reading words on a page to get through what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I'm sitting down with the Almighty! I'm sitting down with His Living Words that are speaking into my life and heart. He has lots to share, more joy to fill me up, and ever so much more pruning. 

I have started to pick more intentional times during the day that allow me to be at rest, open, and allows more time for Him to speak. I want to be the most available to what He has in store. 

My quiet times are not so dreaded, not so rushed, my heart is open...waiting and anticipating what the Lord has to say! We have a living God who is speaking! I now have new ears to listen! :)  

Happy 1st Birthday, Anna & Esther!

This weekend was a special celebration in our new little family- 

Anna and Esther turned 1 years old!

This milestone was marked by a Giraffe themed 1st Birthday party celebration with friends and family and a day of playing in our living room filled full of all kinds of new toys. It was such a joy to share this special time with everyone and enjoy our two little blessings!

One year ago, we were two nervous newlyweds (our twins were honeymoon souvenirs) getting prepared to go into the operation room for a C-section. Looking back, we seemed like kids, scared, anxious, and with no ideas of what to expect and just scratching the surface of our relationship.

Now, we have two of the most beautiful good little babies we didn't even know to ask for (God definitely had immeasurable surprises in store for us). We have a year's experience of two different babies under our belt, feel a little older (I am sporting some gray hairs and Kyle losing more of his ::wink::), maybe a little wiser (maybe not), a little less selfish in some ways, and both filled with more joy and love to share together. It's so crazy to compare the then and now all within a year's time!

Party Photos Courtesy of Talei "Lei Lei" Akins Photography

Anna was our little ham during the party. She surprised us all by walking around and socializing with everyone and not being her shy little self that she usually is. She played with the other kids, let people interact with her, and pick her up. She totally took advantage of being one of the little stars of the party. She also took a few bites of cake, which surprised us more. She refuses, any other day and since the party, to take any food from our hand or off a plate. It must be pureed and sitting in her chair. Instead, she was licking every bit of icing off of her lips and coming back for a few more bites. So cute!

Our Little Ham, Anna!

Esther, on the other hand, wanted to observe everything and everyone within the arms of her Mommy. She was definitely taking everything in, but only in her safe space. She did venture out a couple times to play with the other kids and her new toys, but it didn't last for too long. She also refused to participate in the ritual cake eating and normally she eats off of my plate any chance she gets. We also realized she was teething, so she wasn't quite feeling herself either. My poor punkin'.

Essie staying close to Mommy

The girls were spoiled with lots of toys from everyone! We got to join in the fun of opening presents with them. It will probably be one of the last times too. 

And of course, there was cake!

Planning a giraffe party was a lot of fun and a little stressful since I more than procrastinated to the very last minute since I was in vacation mode from our Destin trip the week prior. There's not a lot of giraffe party themes out there, but thanks to Pinterest, I was able to create our own. 

Invitations set the tone:

Created by CutiesTieDyeBoutique

Think pink and giraffe....

The giraffe cake in the shape of a number one, I made with inspiration from Cake Believe. Giraffe cookies are Nutter Butters with Honey Nut Cherrios and Mini Reese's Pieces iced on. If you ever replicate, check to make sure the cookies in the pack aren't stale. I didn't find out till after the party, I had a bad pack. :( My Mother-in-law had previously made these cookies on tops of cupcakes at our babies' shower, which was a Noah's Ark theme, so the idea came from her. 

The most fun I had was putting together the party favors. We got some of our babies' favorite things at the dollar store...tiny board books, baby maracas (those are not actually Easter eggs in the basket), animal crackers, a pack of giraffe crayons, plastic balls, and I sewed together stuffed Giraffe taggies. I made my own sewing pattern from viewing another blogger's (Fig and Ruby) stuffed giraffes.

We made giraffe headbands to wear during the party, put together a photobooth, and made chalkboards so that guests could write messages to Anna and Esther kind of like a memory guestbook since I wasn't sure if our girls would cooperate for photos with everyone. However, no one used the photobooth, so I think it served more as decor for the party instead. 

Now that the party is over, I'm thinking of all things giraffe I could have added to the party. Kind of like realizing we had giraffe balloon animals and forgot to put them out for the kids! :(  Oh well... Our babies only turn 1 once!

Thank you to all our friends and family who have shared in this precious time with us! 

You are so special to us!

Happy 1st Birthday, Anna & Esther!

We love you dearly!