Your Presence Matters

There's such a lie from the enemy being spoken to our very souls. It's one that says, 'We don't matter, we can't make a difference, someone else can be the change, or what can I do?' 

I found myself thinking these exact thoughts as I sat in opposition at a special school board meeting Thursday afternoon. Even my husband shook his head at me as I walked out the door to leave. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be a parent sitting at one of these meetings, but here I was. I made a decision I wanted to take a stance and speak up for our children. As I arrived, the attendance was small due to the two hour notice in school changes. I sat there feeling like it was a waste. I felt so insignificant and what did it matter that I was there at all. I felt like I was accomplishing nothing. I felt absolutely inferior.

That same voice cornered me in the shower the next morning as it tried to speak into my person. As I was processing the event, something stuck out to me though. I didn't know all the people in attendance in this room, but I did know a hand full that did come. They were all strong believers in Christ, and while it didn't seem consequential at the time, I felt like the Lord was reminding me that even though our number was few and we didn't say a word, my light, their light, our light were all small break throughs in the spiritual darkness.

I was reminded of a verse from 2 Chronicles 20:17:

"But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”

As I arrived home feeling defeated, my kids all yelled "Mommy's home" as they excitedly ran to greet me at the door. The big kids started inquiring if I was able to revise policies at the meeting, as if I was Super Mom and I had the ability to save their world. I told them that I didn't change anything today nor did I have the opportunity to speak. They were disappointed, but in the disappointment I could also see that what I did meant a great deal in their eyes. I had not passively sat by and let things be. My presence at the board meeting had value to my kids. It showed I cared enough to stand up for their feelings and the big things that matter in their world, and that in itself gave me great pride in my actions.

The truth is we have the ability to impact our world around us. God is calling us. God is calling us to do small things and big things. Things that can even make us uncomfortable at times. We can do big things just by being in relationship with the Father and being present in our ordinary every day lives. The small things you do every day matter. What you speak matters. How you love those around you matters. Kindness matters. The small things lead to extraordinary things. 

God has even been reminding me that that 10th peanut butter and jelly I'm making for endless Summer kid snacking, matters. Those piles and piles of laundry and sweeping I feel like that. is. my. life., matters! Jesus himself served and fed His disciples on several occasions.

I may not physically see the importance of my physical presence in the spaces I contain, but as believers, the beauty of being in relationship with the Father is that we are carriers of the Holy Spirit and Christ himself. We are ambassadors of Him. We get to shine light into the dark places, in the hard places, even when we don't always see the effects. 

This is true in your home, in your work place, with your friends, meeting a stranger, your interaction with the cashier at the grocery store. You have the ability to be a small (big) light in the spiritual darkness just by being who God has called you to be in the places that God has placed you, right where you are.

Comparison has only sharpened the lie that we ourselves are insignificant, don't matter, can't make a change, or that we don't have a voice. Others around you are not doing better, more important things than what God has YOU doing right now in your life. Comparison is that thief and liar!

Being light in a dark world is powerful. 

Don't devalue the light you are shining, even when you don't think you are shining bright.

You matter.

The Bank of Daddy

I'll never forget the day when Kyle and I were about 2 months away from getting married, we met after work and Kyle said, 'I think it's a good night to sit down and talk about where we both are financially.' I felt sick in my stomach at the thought of revealing my fiscal state. I stood there wishing it were pay day to sit down and have this discussion so he couldn't see how dire my affairs were. He asked if I wanted to go first or should he. I said I’d prefer he go first, of course, so he opened up every account he had. Then, he opened this crazy Excel spreadsheet with all kinds of tabs that he had made with graphs and figures of his financial goals. He already had invested in a few mutual funds, which thankfully, miraculously came out of hiding at times when we absolutely needed it later in marriage.  He had just cashed out one mutual fund to pay for my engagement ring in cash. Kyle was completely debt free at 25 years old. 

I had been taught my whole life to be financially responsible. My Dad and I went to listen to Dave Ramsey speak when I was in high school. My Dad taught me the ends and outs of good credit scores. I was always the money saver growing up. However, about a year before Kyle came along, I had walked out years of rebellion and God had pulled me from the lowest point of my life, and with it some bad financial decisions. I sat there with $6 in my bank account, 3 maxed out credit cards, and had just bought a brand new shiny candy apple red 2009 Honda Civic the previous year. Kyle couldn't believe that I had been living less than pay check to pay check the entire time we had been dating. I hid it from him well. That night, we mapped out a plan to get me back on track. I can now say my credit score is officially a few points higher than Kyle's...I say jokingly because that's absolutely ridiculous.

We live a debt free married life (minus our house).

I don't want to make this a sweet and pretty post about living debt free. It's hard. It's challenging. It takes discipline. It comes with overcoming coveting, loss of pride, we can't always keep up with the Joneses, or go out and do all the things we want to do, and the list can go on. We didn't always have the nicest house or cars. There were many a days I wish I was one of the cool Moms in the Collierville school car line with a new SUV or mini van. But on the positive side, we can also stand proud where we are today due to God's grace, a bit of suffering, and a bit of hard work. 

We're ten years into being married and over the years we have had to change the way we talk about money several times because it wasn't always working. Kyle and I are completely different. He has a very analytical engineer mind and I am very creative and emotional in the way I think through things. Every Saturday morning for the past 4 years, after Kyle lets me sleep in while making the kids chocolate chip pancakes, we sit down together at the kitchen table and talk about money and our weekly budget while the kids play and clean their rooms. Kyle uses his spreadsheets while I use old fashion pen, paper, and calculator. It's better for me to write down and see on paper what we are spending and to know where everything is going instead of just totaling everything up. Yet, after all these years, we have still managed to talk past each other when it comes to communicating our finances even though our goal has been the same. It wasn't until the past 2 months this new year, that we have finally clicked our communication hurdles discussing the budget. It took a same frustrated conversation about expenses and Kyle said the same thing he has always said, but in a completely different way that changed how I was reasoning. I've also taken up being in charge of the finances for the past 6 weeks. It has helped us connect better. These kinds of breakthroughs only help add more layers to our marriage.

All that to say, our kids see us communicating. They see us communicate every week. They see and hear us in some of our financial decisions and discussions. We are examples of financial stewardship to our kids. We want not only for them to be well educated and to walk closely with the Father, but have financial peace in their lives as they leave our nest as well. We try to be transparent when they have questions. We decided it would be a good idea for them to be more involved, not necessarily in our finances, but their own finances, in the small kid size amounts they have, like finances 101 on a kid level.

Around the age of 6 for our big kids, Kyle had a great idea and set up, the" Bank of Daddy." The kids were able to set up an account with any birthday money, money from chores, etc. Any amount they had, they could start. Kyle may have even given them $5 each to begin. The Bank of Daddy's purpose was to teach the kids the idea of saving and making good, kid size monetary decisions. 

To get the kids interested and excited about banking, Daddy offered an excessive interest rate. Kyle allotted a weekly 20% interest rate for all money deposited. The kids got excited putting small amounts of money in, only to watch it multiply quickly. Each week Daddy would emphasize how much interest each child earned, to the point there was some major disappointment when accounts were emptied for a toy that ended up not being as satisfying as expected. 

Kids need to see the pay off more visibly than we as adults to understand the concept, hence the large interest rate. It didn't take long for the kids to get excited to add more and more money. Our kids even got a little competitive about who had the most money every week. Esther wanted to be the first to save $100 so she would earn $20 in interest weekly. The kids were excited participating and saving.

The 20% weekly interest rate lasted a long bit until they started saving a significant amount. Once they started understanding the concept and saving, the interest rate then changed to 20% monthly in place of weekly. When they obtained $100, the interest rate changed to 5% monthly, which is where we standardly keep the rate now that the kids master the process and like to save.

Around the time the "Bank of Daddy" opened, we also started offering paid chore job days about every 6 weeks or so, where the kids had the opportunity to pick a job on a card with an amount of money listed to fulfill each job. They could pick and chose as many as they wanted. Tyler seemed to have the shorter attention span and would stop after about 2 jobs, which was completely okay. There was no pressure to the experience. The harder work paid off with higher earnings given in the end.

November 16, 2019- The big kids had the opportunity to shop jobs (outside their regular unpaid chores) today. Each job was based on approx time to accomplish, which equalled about $1/10 minutes of work. I should add that Norwex cloths make jobs easier for the kids especially for Windows and mirrors. I couldn't believe how into it they were and how hard they worked. We worked for several hours this morning while Daddy installed fence gates and picked up paint for my next project.

This concept began to expand their decision making on how they wanted to spend their money. Most kids want to spend money as quickly as they receive it, ours included, often burning a hole in their pocket, but with the kids seeing their money increase, they started making more educated decisions, weighing out if they really wanted to make a purchase or save and wait to buy something they wanted more later. Or if you were Esther, was it worth subtracting from the $100 goal. We would often help guide them by asking them questions if they thought they really wanted to make a questionable buy at the store, the one you know as a parent, is most likely going to be a complete waste a money, but if they still wanted to go ahead, we would let them.

There was one day at the store, Esther had made her $100 goal and started to spend a little. She was down to about half, but had her eye on this Rainbocorn toy. It just looked so awesome in her eyes, but when she got home and opened it, she was disappointed and instantly regretted her purchase. She was even more discouraged that she was down to a quarter of what she had in the bank. It was a great teaching moment and one we probably wouldn't have had if she didn't have a savings goal in mind. It would have just been money lost. 

This past year, Tyler went through a phase where he wanted to spend every single dollar he got, the moment he got it, even with interest, it had to be spent. Kyle challenged him not to buy anything until he reached $40. I felt like it was a steep decision to put on him since he's so young, but Tyler really took to it and felt proud of himself when he went on to reach $50. Since then, he has thought a little more intently before making a purchase, but still gives in, now and then. He has such a gift love language; it makes it hard. His big feat recently was he saved to $100. He saw the value in his savings one day at the store and saw a new Lego Avengers set that he was desperate to have and he got to instantly come home with it, not Mommy & Daddy telling him maybe for his birthday or Christmas. It was all his for the taking.

We've noticed such mature buying decisions since implementing "The Bank of Daddy," which I didn't really expect, especially given their ages. Every Saturday when we open up our books and computer to start talking about money, the kids always race over to see how much they now have for the week, so they get to feel like they are involved in our money talks a little too. I let Kyle know any earnings or withdrawals on their accounts, so they can see their money at work. 

Recently, the big kids asked some big questions after they heard me listening to an episode of Dave Ramsey while I was folding laundry. We had a significant discussion on what it means to have debt. Kyle took it a step further and let them go into debt while playing the latest game of "Settlers of Catan." Kyle traded Esther a card as long as she promised to give her next 4 wheat cards. When the time came to pay the piper, she regretted her decisions. Tyler saw the strategy involved with the debt playing and said he would not do it at all. He came close to beating Daddy that game.

We are so proud of our kids making big kid decisions and wanting to learn. We only hope to add on to their financial education as they develop. Our next steps are to start teaching giving as they cultivate more maturity. 

Christmas Is Over, But It's Still A Wonderful Life

Every October, my husband and I kick off some old black and white film love with a few Alfred Hitchcock classics and other Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart favorites with good ole chili and pumpkin pie making. We also have our traditions like watching "Rear Window" on Halloween after a night out of trick or treating with the kids or watching "It's a Wonderful Life" every Christmas night. I'm ever more thankful that I found a husband who has a love for old classic movies as much as I do. This year we found a new holiday treasure, "Meet Me in St. Louis."

This year, there was something different about my Frank Capra favorite and it wasn't that I finally got to watch it in color. It's hard not to watch the ending of  'It's a Wonderful Life' without getting a little teary eyed, but this year, I found myself blubbering more and overwhelmed with emotions. Suddenly, it was as though I was George Bailey himself.  I felt overwhelmed with the love from all the people in my life who have loved me unconditionally. All their loving kindness set out before me like the heap of money before George Bailey. The love just didn't stop. Their love just kept overflowing in abundance. There were so many times I didn't know how to love back or even accept love, but it didn't matter, the dear ones in my life always seemed to outpour more of it. George, himself, was left with more in return than what he originally lacked.

Also in that same moment, I could feel all the lies of the enemy in my Motherhood. The ones that tell me I'm not enough, I'm too much, too impatient, lost my cool too many times, the many weights of Mom guilt that keep me awake at night. I watched as George Bailey always tried to do right by his family, but even in a moment of frustration and weakness, came home yelling to stop playing the piano and kicking over his office in frustration, but his family still saw him as good and whole. Those moments didn't define who he was as a husband or father, just as in the moments I lose myself, they don't define who I am. There are things I do that may be good or bad, but that doesn't make me good or bad. His family stood with him with pride and love because they knew who he was.

Over the course of the last decade, God has been sending so many people into my life to flood me with love. The intervals in which God has been sending people have come closer together to where it has met me square on and the scales/walls are finally being pulled from my heart.

Just this week, I had a friend drop by with a king cake (Mardi Gras). She's originally from New Orleans and she was excited to wish us a "Happy Feast of the Epiphany." Not only did I feel overwhelmed by the kindness of her gesture, but I knew God was loving on me in extension in that moment. She was so thoughtful to think of us while she was out shopping at the store, but also knowing it was God's way of saying He was thinking of me as the idea was whispered on her heart.  

God is in the moments of kindness. He is in those moments of love when we don't know how to understand them. I'm thankful He hasn't relented. 

There's a reason God tells us in His word that people will know us by our love or the greatest commandment is to love your neighbor. Love is what pursues the hearts of His people. Love has the power to change and convict.  Love can break through walls, chains, and bring us back into the Father heart of God. 

Loving others also teaches those who have never been exposed to the true attachment of love or what love is or looks like, it's weight. 

This Summer I went to an inner child healing/trauma workshop. On the first day they asked what are the three specific goals I would like to achieve from the workshop. My second answer was that I would understand and feel the depth of love. 

I learned through the workshop that I had a broken attachment growing up and it has been a source of disconnect for me. Through God's gracious healing and the overwhelming love of people around me, for the first time ever, I've been able to say I can feel love in genuine depths....sometimes I still don't understand it and I'm wanting earnestly to learn to give it back to others because it's been the uttermost beauty in my life. I would not be where I am in life today without the people who have surrounded us to make our life so wonderful. 

God is love and He uses each of us and our kindnesses to pursue the people around us. 

Love is our greatest giving power. Use it generously. 

Planting Gardens, Harvesting the Fruit

Years before we moved to the Gulf Coast, we were constantly in limbo, with my husband's job, if we were staying in Memphis or moving. It seemed like every other month, a new location was presented to us. He had taken a leadership position that made it inevitable that we would make the transition at some point. We were in the middle of littles and renovating our home, but it was hard to feel settled when you think at any given opportunity, we were going to be leaving. Then, God gave me a word from Jeremiah 29:5, 'Plant gardens and plan to stay.'

The word didn't mean we weren't ever going to move, but for that moment of time, we needed to live life in full where we were. As you know, we did eventually make the move and God mapped out all the details.

Flash forward to two years of coastal living and in this Coronavirus life of quarantine and I again feel the Lord prompting me with this same word. 

For our family, quarantine life has felt somewhat normal because my husband's job is 'essential work.' He still leaves the house every day, not working from home. The kids have been home from school, which I have treasured up this time in my heart. We have had fun activities to do, sweet conversations, and lots of quality time without distractions since life came to a halt. Family dinner was reinstated whereas school and work schedules usually conflicted to make them scarce and sacred before. There was no more fussing to get through everyone's homework, baths, and getting school stuff and backpacks laid out and ready for the next morning. The evening rush to bed and early morning hustle off to school was gone. Summer like living began. Ahhh...I love it! 

In the mist of all this goodness, there has still been a high mix of anxiety, sadness, and some depression. I know this scale is different for everyone. Everyone has experienced it in different ways. For some, it's the loss of events and special occasions that got cancelled, others it's the uncertainty of work or income, for ones, it's the stress of distance learning, isolation, etc. All of those things matter and are all relative, no matter where you fall on the scale. For us, we were sad for all of the things we were missing out on: soccer, the twins' first Father/Daughter Ball, a trip to Memphis to see friends and family, flying to Indiana to see my 92 year old Mamaw, Kindergarten graduation, saying bye to teachers and friends before starting a new school next year, playing with neighborhood friends, etc. 

I also felt this mix of emotions and anxiety over the uncertainty of the future. The Earth is groaning and contractions have been getting stronger over time, but at what point will active labor begin? I felt like we were living in a real life movie where everything seemed to change from one hour to the next and often I felt at any moment Revelation times were beginning, not to say it isn't still, but my fears of getting through with five little people during tribulation times began to trouble me. I started feeling like at any time, these precious moments of living could be gone, traded off for extreme uncertain times. I began living in that unsettled place in life, not knowing if we are staying or going. It's hard to live life fully when you are constantly in that insecure mindset.

That's when I felt God prompt me His words of Jeremiah 29:5 again,

4This is what the LORD of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: 5“Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. 6Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! 7And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”

Words so deep, freeing me....

The word isn't revealing to me Jesus' timing of return. We don't know the day or the hour, but His word once again released me to live life fully where we are [whether in quarantine or not], to dream again even while we are in this place of waiting for His return, soon or not.

(And also to pray for peace and prosperity of our city and nation. Reaping a harvest)

My husband and I began intermittent fasting over the past month, which helped reset so many emotions and bad patterns.

My autoimmune had taken me down at the beginning of quarantine and with the help of a doctor and muscle testing, I feel like a new person again, able to take on the day physically and mentally. 

I started limiting social media and news articles to 30 minutes a day. 

The television is usually off most of the day in our home, but I no longer turn it on for the morning news. 

I started taking up a new book list and listening to more podcasts while I fold laundry and do dishes.

I wake up every morning, praying for my husband and reading a small Word passage to focus my mind even if it's only the first 5 minutes before little people vie for my attention. Kyle is usually gone and out the door before we all wake. Praying for him also helps me feel connected to him early in the day.

On Fridays, when Kyle gets home from work, we instituted our own appetizer happy hour. The two of us gather around the kitchen with our favorite wine and make our own homemade salsa, fry corn tortillas to make chips, and talk about our day while the kids play. My husband is usually the chef in our house and has taken up making Babish's fried chimichangas and General Tso's. Some nights it feels like restaurant dining.

We started up our home renovations again. We are almost finished with our fireplace remodel after my husband made built in's on it's parallels. I even remodeled the kid's little plastic house we got for $30 that inspired more playing time. Who knew, detailing the play mailbox would create a whole day centered around playing Post Office. 

I felt my whole self take a deep breath in and pull back in the joy of the days, not hanging on to them with uncertainty. I felt free to be normal.

I have to remember that God is not a God of confusion, but I have to stay steadfast in His Word, pray without ceasing.

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. -Romans 12:2 The Message

Every morning, I ask God to be present in our day and give us good things to do, show me what I need to be doing today. It's important for our eyes to be open to what He is doing, even in the mundane of our homes or out and about.

While searching through some boxes to decorate our new shelves, I found my old 'dream' book that I had made with some friends. We had a dreaming with God party where we had brought all kinds of magazines and scrapbook materials and started cutting out ideas, ambitions, and dreams we felt God was inspiring in our life and pasted them in a book. Opening my dream book made me realize it's time to start adding to it again while sparking some of the old things God had inspired in me. I had put those dreams up on a shelf. I recently found a passion in homeopathy and am considering Homeopathy school.

God is still creating new things, instilling in us new ideas, His Word is still a double edged sword, our prayers are still powerful and effective, even in the hard times, in the trials, for our city and our nation, even in the waiting places. What can we be doing with the gifts that God is giving us right now in theses places of our lives?

I want to be planting gardens and harvesting the fruits it produces.

Hugs,

Ashley

Axing The Summer Bucket List

Where has this Summer gone already?!?! It feels like the Summer has just begun and so has finding it's rhythm and that back to school vibe is already stealing it's joy.

In the preschool years, I loved the smell of the new school supplies filling the aisles this time of year, but now as the kids are getting older, it's the smell of dread of a new school year beginning, all the uncertainties of new teachers, new friends, new adjustments and anxieties, and this year, we send off another Kindergartner. Sigh. My heart breaks inside to let go another one of our littles to growing up.

As school was getting out and the days of Summer were beginning, so was my bucket list of all the things I wanted us to do. I had daily chores set up, workbook and reading time, personal Mommy time where we play games together, color together, make weekly trips to the library, the pool, picnics and walks by the Bay, make a lemonade stand, trips to the beach, ice cream, Chik-fil-a, etc.

We were going to make the most of every day of the Summer since I just want to squeeze up this bunch of time that is growing [up] away from me. 

As Summer started, so did reality, and life found a way to divert my Summer fun parade. Moods, falling trap to that one awful Summer illness (in our case, Pertussis, eeek!), napping baby schedules, laundry, etc, all seemed to take over the Summer moments.

The 4th of July came. It's the middle of Summer barometer warning that school is coming in close. I began to feel disappointed that the days didn't match up to my fairy tale Summer expectations. The Mom guilt set in. But I realized it's not too late to soak up some of those memories and, really, it's not all about the bucket list at all.

It's like that still small voice inside told me that our Summer is exactly what it needed to be:

It's okay for our Summer to be made of rest. It's okay if we don't leave the house all day and stay in our pajamas and play inside and maybe for several days in a row. We don't have the pressure to do and to be. It's a whole season where we get the opportunity to recharge from life, take a sabbatical from the school year long of craziness and going strong. In our case, this whole last year was crazy with moving and bringing home a new baby, a colic one at that. We can play, go to the pool, eat popsicles, take naps, and relax from rigorous schedules.

I realized Summer lets us re-establish home base for our kids so that they know where they belong and where they are loved and where they are secure. We can re-instill our values in their hearts and build on new ones as their experiences in life grows. We get the chance to love on them more and with extra snuggles and hugs. It's in that same place I want my kids to know they can escape and "feel" home as soon as they walk in the door off the bus each afternoon. Home is the environment we create around us and Summer gives us the time to make it ours.

This Summer, one of the biggest take aways was teaching our girls the discipline of reading their Bible every day. In first grade this year, the girls started learning to read chapter books and have found they love reading. I thought it was the perfect time to introduce them to reading their "Jesus Storybook Bibles" by themselves. We (and me) started making a habit of reading some time each day. Some days we have quiet reading time together, each reading our own Bibles, or they pick a time during the day when they want to read by themselves. Some days we journal about what we read afterward. I ask the girls to write what they think the story was about or what they feel like the Lord is sharing with them as they read. When they write, it melts my heart. Kids have a way of sharing differently than us as adults that makes it so sweet.

As a Mom, it's easy for me to get lost in my own Bible reading disciplines. I mean, I never have time for myself as it is, so it's hard to make that time to sit down and dive into The Word in the little down time I do get.

But recently, I found the Lord really pressing upon me, 'You can't know Me without knowing My Word.'

Umm...Wow! I found that to be extremely convicting!! My daily desire is to know the Lord in deep relationship and to be ever growing deeper in Him. I have to be in His Word. Our kids are so eager to know about God and this is the perfect place to start and share in the journey.

School around the corner only reminds me to stay present and intentional of our time together.  We will still plan some Bucket List fun and make some sweet Summer memories, but the most important ones are going to be the small daily things we do and instill in our kids each day that leave a legacy. It won't be that we rocked the Summer with stuff or catching all the Instagram happiness.

Happy Summer, y'all! 

Collierville to Fairhope

Last week was one of those weeks where I started doubting the plans of the Lord, the small details, as in, God forgot to factor in those 'He knows the hairs on your head' details. God was only good for all those large checklist items and all the others were a mere oversight, afterthoughts in His adventure for us. I love seeing God weave the small details in every day life. I talk and write about it often, so obviously I was in one of those lack of faith moments. [And we're so quick to forget. Just like that. And it seems like it's most when things aren't going our way. It was exactly that.] Last week, I started 'rubbernecking.' I started looking back, comparing from where we came to where we are. I could have become a pillar of salt at a moments notice. I wanted things to be the same here that they were there.

Last week, school started full swing in our household. We have two first graders and a round of Pre-K 4! Where has the time gone, seriously?! It was meet the teacher for Anna and Esther at the beginning of the week. I can say even as a parent, it was hard walking into a new school where everything is unfamiliar. Everything is different. Our girls loved Crosswinds and loved going to school every day in Kindergarten. Here we are in new territory, the unknown. We met their new teachers, looked at classrooms, and the desk they would sit, and all I could think is it's not the same. I wish we were back at Crosswinds. I don't like how they do things here. God, why does it have to be like this? As we were working through the worries and anxieties, I'm trying to keep a brave face, trying to speak positives, when the teacher tells us that parents are not allowed to walk students to class the first day of school, including Kindergartners. My heart immediately drops and my thoughts roll to what kind of heartless school doesn't allow you to walk your Kindergartner to class the first day? I took a breath and we spent extra time walking the halls so the girls would feel comfortable going on their own. Although, I may lose it next year when I can't walk in my newest Kindergartner and I have to drop him at the door! Eek!

Then, it was Tyler's turn for 'Meet the Teacher' at his new preschool. I'm nervous about this one. We had such a time with Tyler last year. He's our shy one. He doesn't talk much to anyone outside our family. He spent most of preschool last year clinging to me while I had to push him into class. He never wanted to go. I had contemplated pulling him out to try again the following year, but mid year he started to warm up. All this Summer he told me he didn't want to go back to preschool unless he had the same teachers. Here we go!

As we're walking in, I remind myself that God led us here through a sweet neighbor. I had intentions of another preschool, but I know it was God who redirected our path. This preschool happened to have a spot left in his class late Summer and that rarely happens. We were on wait lists at others. I don't believe it was coincidence. I'm thinking all these things to myself as we walk into the doors of his new preschool, bracing myself for the changes. (Obviously, I don't do change well, if you haven't picked up on this common thread.) And just like that, I quickly began thinking back to the sweetest preschool we left behind in Collierville and the great teachers we would have had this year. I already started measuring everything against it.

And comparing only leaves you disappointed. 

By comparing, I closed myself off to everything the Lord was doing in those moments, what He may have been showing me. I was constantly looking back and contrasting. I also didn't make myself available to talk to the other parents I encountered because I was too busy pouting to myself on the inside and questioning all these new things the Lord had presented to us; as if He didn't know what He was doing. I wanted all the old schools, routines, and comforts of our old life back and forgot to look forward to what's ahead.

Believe it or not, the first day rolled around and Tyler walked right in to his class, no holding on or begging to stay with me. I picked him up later and he was gleaming and excitedly told me, "It was the best day ever!"
And...The Lord eased me back into my place once again. 
I was so busy contemplating [Collierville] home, I missed that maybe Tyler wouldn't have done the same if we had stayed in the same place in the same preschool. It may have been the perfect preschool for Anna and Esther and a great stepping stone for him last year, but God has a more fitting one for him this year.

I don't know why I doubt His goodness. He only repeats it over and over.

When I look at the big picture of our move from Collierville to Fairhope, I know God had every piece worked out before I had even said, 'Yes.'

For the past couple years, we have been in limbo as to whether we were staying or moving for Kyle's job. It seemed like every other week a new location was put on the table. After a couple years of going back and forth, place after place, we were close to making the decision to stay and put our roots in and, of course, just as we were conceding to stay, a serious proposition was put on the table to Mobile, Alabama. I wasn't opposed. It was a good location to consider. It's near the beach!

We drove down and spent a couple days scoping out the surrounding areas. On the second day of roaming around, just as I started digging in my heals that I wanted to stay in Memphis, I received a message from one of our dearest friends, Helen. She wanted to tell me that one of her closest friends had moved to Fairhope, Alabama just two years ago and her friend would recommend the name of the realtor she used, who is now one of her best friends. I felt relieved that God had a specific realtor in mind, not just any random one that we could look up, one that would be trustworthy to our family.

On the last day of our trip, the strip turned pink!! We were expecting BABY #5!!! This was not in our cards!! We were done having kids after Livie! We can NOT move now!
But we came home and started making our decision and it was leaning towards the GOing!

Instagram October 16, 2017: Today we sit with decisions before us. (For those of you who don't know, we are scouting out a possible job move.) But even in the weight of things and endless car time, I felt like the Lord was romancing our kids like in the book "Captivating," but with the coolest, biggest seashells we've ever seen at the beach. They had their endless pick. The beach was covered. We've come to the beach for years and never had a hog pile like we did today.

I called the realtor and she was the sweetest gift. I felt at home with her just over the phone. Then, God weaves again when she told me that she has a daughter that lives in Memphis! What are the chances? What's funny is while we were visiting the Mobile areas a couple weeks prior, I told Kyle I wished we could find a realtor who knew where we were coming from, so they knew more what we wanted. (What I really wanted was another Collierville to wherever it was we were going). Why does it surprise me so much when God gives us the things we want in our hearts, even the silliest, small things that probably don't matter in the grand scheme of things? ....All I have to say is He shows me He loves me, down to those small minute things I care about. He was preparing my heart. He knows me and what matters in my small world. He continually shows me He is here with me.

A few weeks later, we dropped the kids off with my parents in Tuscaloosa and came back to meet with Leigh, our realtor, to start shopping for houses. We probably looked at close to 20 homes in the course of a day. Finding a house is like finding a wedding dress. You know when you know!
We found one we liked a lot, but had a major flaw that we just couldn't overlook. After that, she asked, 'Are you finally ready to go look at new construction?' I said, 'Sure,' but that's not what I really wanted until I walked into the model home. This was the it! It was beautiful and NEW! We took some time checking out the lots and floor plans and decided on our floor plan with 5 bedrooms, enough for our growing family of 7! The slab had just been poured.

We didn't want new construction for the mere fact there's never any trees, but our lot had trees, lots of trees, another God gift! The sales associate sat down to talk over all the specs of the home from brick color, hardwood floor stains, cabinets, and paint. We could make changes on everything but the cabinet color. She listed that the paint color for the walls was Sherwin Williams "Agreeable Gray."

In that moment, I felt like the Lord was confirming our new home even down to the paint color. 

As you see, I had just studied 'Greige' paint colors backwards and forwards for our reno home in Collierville and had finally found the perfect shade I was in love with. I had previously decided that I was going to paint our new home this profound shade of "Agreeable Gray."

Our home was now picked out.
What about church?
Can I tell you we found our church in the same weekend that we picked out our house, before we were moved down here?! Our church home in Collierville was Living Hope. I had never felt so at home at a church since my youth group days and I'm still struggling with leaving it behind. Finding a church can be a hard journey, but we didn't even have to "shop."

Helen's friends, Leslie and Mike, had moved down here from Collierville just 2 years prior. They were fellow Living Hope-rs as well and had found a similar church here in Fairhope, so we met with them and visited the church. We loved it and that's where we are dipping our feet in... I say that in the sense we haven't fully jumped in, living in the newborn phase here.

We're moving, check!
Realtor, check!
Collierville like City, check!
Home, check!
Church, check!
Connections/friendships already made in a place we don't know, check!

New Home Owners

We came home and put our home on the market at the first of the year. I have to tell you there's a another story wrapped up in God's perfect timing there. It was probably the hardest obstacle of our move especially being in 2nd and 3rd trimester. I was so stressed out at one point with everything, I started having contractions at 28 weeks and had to go into the hospital one night and they had to give me fluids and a shot just to stop them. God was faithful in protecting our little guy through all the rest of the gestation term and in all the stresses of our move.

Moving Day came. We closed on our new home.
Leslie and Leigh both had a friend, Natalie, who was in their small group, that had just purchased the home across the street from ours. She and her family immediately took us in from Day 1. They made us dinner the night we closed on our house and had us over for a pancake breakfast the next morning before the moving truck arrived. She has been a blessing all in herself. We came here with no family or help with our kids and Natalie has stepped right in. She is always checking in on me through the week to see how I am and where she can help. She is always offering to watch and play with the kids. Kyle & I haven't been without date nights since we've been here either. I just don't know how to describe how in awe I am at how the Lord has pieced together all our needs .

The Lord connected the dots all the way to our friend in Memphis to our neighbors across the street. 

Speaking of neighbors, we have the sweetest neighbors all around. It feels like God hand picked them. I know at least half my neighbors down the street already and two of the Mom's I really connect with and trust. There's a couple down the street that are from Memphis too! The community here is so so sweet. The older lady on the corner brought us homemade bread after we moved in and is always wanting to come hold our baby.

The first day we were moving in, the kids next door were outside playing when ours came out. All the kids saw each other and ran to meet where our yards cross. It's so fun to watch kids meet. It's like instant connecting, no formal introductions. They just started playing kickball and that's where friendship started. It would be so cool if adults were the same. Ha! There are other large families in our neighborhood, so we aren't the odd balls with our FIVE kids...but probably still are. ::Insert wink emoji here:: Our kids are outside playing with the the neighbor kids as much as possible. All of us parents use Walkie Talkies to communicate with our kids back and forth. It's great! If you allowed them tablet time and made had them choose between it and going outside, it would be going outside with their friends. I wouldn't want it any other way and what I always wanted for our kids.

I remember I was in the middle of unpacking that first move-in day and I was thinking to myself if I could just take a break for a few minutes to run to the store to get some fruit for the kids. We just need some fruit! Wouldn't you know, not even an hour later, Leslie and Mike dropped by to welcome us and see if they could help unpack the kitchen and set up beds, the two most important things of moving, sleep and eat. In her hands, was a bag of assorted fruit they stopped to get on the way over. They brought us bananas, oranges, and grapes. Everything I needed for the kids!

Sometimes, the simplest things you can do for a person is exactly what they need in that exact moment. It may have been something they were asking from the Lord, even the most elementary of requests like fruit. Remember the next time you feel prompted to do something for someone,it may be the Lord speaking to your heart. It could even be as simple as their name popping into your mind during the day while you are doing laundry or the dishes and it may be the Holy Spirit whispering to you to pray for that person. 

The Lord has fit so many pieces together in our move from Collierville to Fairhope. I know I'm leaving so many specifics out for length's sake. I could go on to speak how it has impacted so many other things even down to the delivery of our Baby Boy.

Some things still feel uncertain at times and I know there will still be challenges ahead.
I'm missing my closest friends and wondering who will come along to add to this gap on our new journey. I went to a MOPS group this past week to listen to our neighbor speak and just thinking about opening myself up to new friends felt so bittersweet. It seems so final that we have left some of the truest friendships and wondering if new ones will be just as close to my heart. I've been in a bit of denial in this area, but I know God has not left this to chance either.

I haven't yet found my place here. It's been more challenging since I'm in the Newborn daze for a bit longer. I'm looking forward to connecting and eventually somehow leading other women and what that may look like.

I feel like I've grown so much already in this move. There's nothing like being pulled out of your comforts zones and control to push you to be better and cling to the things of the Lord. It has also taught me how much of the ordinary things are the most meaningful and not to take even the smallest things for granted. I'm talking down to Jerry's Sno Cones, Pyros, and Gibson's donuts. I'm kidding, not kidding!

It's just the beginning of our new adventure and the Lord has done so much already.

I'm holding on to Psalm 27 that my best friend, Audra, gave me last October when we were deciding on moving and pregnant with Baby #5:

"I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

Be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD."

Along the Mobile Bay in Fairhope

Deep Calling the Too Messy

Today is one of those days that I feel the dynamics that make up this woman's heart. The days where I feel like I can pull out a quote from "Captivating" and check off the boxes as I go because I can be so many things all wrapped in one:

"I am not enough and I'm too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy,  too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy." -Staci Eldredge, "Captivating"

Today has been one of those days where everyone seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, including me. A night of no sleeping and everyone getting up bright and early at 6am does not bode well with this non-coffee drinking Mom. We get ready and head out the door for Week 3 of our "Entrusted" by Beth Moore play-study with a couple other Mom friends.

As we get home and everyone is down for a nap at the same time, a rare thing with our still two-nap-a-day Liv, I'm thinking, 'this is awesome,' because I am toast.
I can't even rest for all my racing thoughts. Beth Moore wisdom is enough to chew on for days. All the things I need to examine in this messy heart of mine and all the things I feel God is teaching me and stirring in me are set before me, so I decide to get up and write.

It's the heart that seems to reveal us deep down. Deep down where the Holy Spirit is chiseling those secret spaces that you don't want anyone to see, even sometimes we are afraid to see ourselves; to dig, to do the work.

As I look at myself in the mirror, do I really want to see inside, not just what the outside is trying to keep up with in appearances and approvals. But trying to be vulnerable enough to let everyone see and to see myself. Can I name the places in my heart out loud? Or do I subtly ignore them and cover them up in the busyness of life.

There isn't a bar of perfection that I've matched like everyone seems to be after.
There's not really such a bar as social media likes to have us believe.
That bar only requires more and more of you and you never reach the top.
There's never any amount of perfection that can be reached within ourselves.
I don't have it all together or have all the answers, although I do want to look like I have it together with my clean house...at least that part of me put together...where I feel like I have order in the chaos of everything else.

It's the same place in life where marriage and kids is an adventure.
The best adventure but the hardest adventure.
This place that shows me I'm so selfish, but the most selfless all at the same time.

This part of our lives where I see the neediness of kids, work, promotions, and getting across this 30s finish line can really add the pressure to every day l.i.f.e.
Decisions that seem like they can make or break you the rest of your life in this era.
Where the pull of home, kids, time as a couple, finances, and jobs all create forceful tugs away from each other and the priorities of the God center.

It's this place where I never thought love in marriage could last farther beyond but finding it going deeper even on the days you have to cultivate it and work at it.
Intimacy and connection increase.
But also being more aware of the enemy as the years become stronger.
I'm learning that I need to be praying for my spouse from head to toe, checking in on his needs and happiness level more, praying not only for our marriage, but our friend's marriages.

It's this place where I am thankful and see my husband get up day after day to go to work even when the house is quiet and everyone is still sleeping when he leaves the house each morning. He puts his best foot out every day, provides, and is faithful. He comes home and empties out the dishwasher and sink full of dirty dishes, plays with our kids, tucks them into bed, and still manages to make time to do the little things and read C.S. Lewis to me before bed. He gets the courage to lead our family even as more and more responsibilities add to the mix. He's stronger than the man I knew he was in courtship and when we said 'I do.'

There's also this stirring in learning 'I can't do 100 things for the Gospel*'. I'm in need to step back and re-examine all these yes's and where I'm investing and finding peace where I don't always want to say, 'no.' There's this stirring to find out exactly where and what God is calling me to in the bigger picture of life, not just in our home, but in our home too, dreaming BIG with God, but at the same time where I'm learning Summer days in the pool with my kids is the best 'yes' to many days.
Living life with them. Putting words on their heart. Writing on their empty tablets, or as one of my favorite quotes puts it:

"The very presence of our children is supposed to remind us of the covenant love that we share for each other. Their hearts become tablets on which husbands and wives write their love letters to each other." -Kris Vallotton

My heart stirs and is overwhelmed with the little people my kids are becoming. The twins are almost Six and I see glimpses of their sweet souls and beauty and the harvest I'm currently sowing into. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and my heart is mush. I want their hearts to stay as ever pure as they are now.

I never thought I would be that 'religious' Mom having my kids memorize Scripture, but I'm finding it's an emotional thing to teach them sweet verses that I feel like I'm passing down onto their souls for a lifetime. Ones that I know I have lived true even in my wanderings. It's like hidden messages on their heart for later.

There's also discontentment and peace swirling around in the same space this season.

I'm discontent with trivial things, fleeting things like our 'almost renovated' house and finally making it a home after 6 years of saving and working on it piece by piece in the middle of kids and life, all while I learn to be content with those 'popcorn' ceilings, wobbly kitchen chairs, undecorated walls, and faded paint on the exterior of the house a little longer.

There's the restlessness of the twins starting Kindergarten and Little Man starting preschool and trying to wallop up every moment I have left in these preschool aged days. It's all only a month away!! My heart can't be still enough.

Then there's unsettledness of always wanting the next thing, the better thing, especially before completing the first things. : Eeek face::
And God just wrestling with me as I speak them out loud.

It's learning that sometimes I may try to bypass the 'Jesus' part of the trinity in my prayer life when I don't want to look at the ugly within myself or see my need for Him. Ouch!
(Shauna Niequist talks about this more in her book, "Present over Perfect.")
It's learning I will always need Jesus, every single day. More than I ever thought I did.
But that I want Jesus even on the best of days.

I'm seeing how sin is sin and there's no amount of pride or excuses that can cover it up.
I have control of the things I feast my mind on and when they aren't heavenly, it brings up those heart issues I try to hide from.

But in all this discontent gives way to places of freedom and peace.

It's in this place God has been showing me His faithful hand. He keeps mapping out all the details of our life, or as my husband says, 'God watches us closely.' He keeps weaving the smallest details together piece by piece and has been showing off a bit. I'm starting to learn for the first time in my life what peace looks like when my fears give way to Him. It is a place I want to continue to remain and experience more of.

Then, there's freedom where the enemy no longer holds me down by my past and this place is the most foreign. I've shared my testimony many times before, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago with a couple ladies that I shared, but this time it was different. Shame, condemnation, guilt didn't riddle me as I shared ugly details of my past. The parts I usually hide when I do share. Parts that I usually try to skip over because they will forever change the way you think of me, but for once there was peace in I'm not that person anymore, nor who I ever was. Those pieces don't make up my identity, although part of my journey. Those parts no longer have claim over me, chains are broken, and now I can see where some of the deepest ugliness of my life has brought me to experiencing a much bigger God in much bigger ways and that was worth all of it. Healing comes after all.

*Quote from Beth Moore, "Entrusted"