Mommy Blues and Fresh Perspectives

Recently, I got to have some much needed girl time with one of my best friends. Our conversations usually center around what God is doing in our lives...and I can tell you that we end up in a time warp. Five hours can go by like it was two before it's so late that my husband usually texts her to tell her to send home his overly tired pregnant wife. Haha!

I shared with her how I have been in a Mommy funk or what I like to call the "Mommy Blues." It's been hard being at home and not being able to participate in all the things I want to do, see all the friends I want to spend time with, and just generally, being kind of lonely in toddler world. I can't remember the last time I had a break and it's been a couple months since I have had a date with my husband.

My mornings have looked a little like this every day this week: In the first 5 minutes the girls are up while I am getting breakfast together, the girls go straight to the bathroom, throw my clothes and suede boots into the bathtub and turn on the water. While digging out the soggy mess, they run to the next room pouring out all the seasonings my husband left out on the table, all over the floor including pouring salt on the raisins they are eating and having a meltdown because I throw them away.

Or changing Anna's diaper only to have Esther slinging baby food all over the carpet and while scrubbing and "Resolving" the mess, I find Anna is pouring laundry detergent in the litter box and then trying to scoop the detergent back out into the detergent bucket. Ahhhhhh......

I have had an unspeakable joy through these Mommy times. I love it so! The normal Mommy days just don't get to me. I can store up gladness like a camel and carry through. But my reserve has started to dry up. I'm thirsty. I'm so thirsty! I'm falling short by The Well. I'm unraveling....

My dear friend had all the fresh perspectives I needed to start changing it all around and to start living in the face of the Lord again. She reminded me that this is a season God has placed me in with purpose. Everything in this season is different and I can't compare it to the last. The people I'm pouring into looks different than I envisioned...I'm discipling two toddlers to grow up to go out and shine in the world. My worship and service has new and different aspects...changing diapers, feeding, comforting, singing songs and playing are all acts of worship unto the Lord. And until the kids get a little bigger and I can start having a little more freedom, God has Grace for me in this season.

She also suggested in my quiet time reading that I stick to the Psalms for a while. The Psalms record David's ups and downs... his joy, his anger, his praise, his sorrow, his crying out unto the Lord, his struggles...it's all there. Each day I have read, it's been like, 'Whoa! This is how I feel today.' It's like an outline to lay my feelings and circumstances at the alter of the Most High daily, moment by moment and not forgetting to worship in the mist of it all. The words meditate on my heart all day long. It's bringing back that joy aspect into my day.

We had some friends pray over my husband and I after our "Baby Sprinkle." My heart broke down as one prayed how I had walked out this past season alone in excellence, but this season isn't going to be repeated with our new baby. I will have more help, more friends stopping by to visit, boldness to ask friends for help, and the fullness of His joy will wash over me again...new, every day! I felt as though a portion of my plate of burdens was lifted right off my shoulders. God hasn't forgotten where He has placed me. He's about to start something new in my daily Mommyhood. Their sweet prayers spoke that I am the Lord's delight!

It wasn't until sharing my burdens in Small Group last night that I felt totally freed. The Lord took the last few scoops off my plate and took them all for Him to bare. Everything is changing and my heart is now light!

Sure, this morning, I indulged in a cup of chocolate pudding with my eggs, toast, and o.j out of pity for myself. Yesterday, I couldn't wait to escape out the door just for an hour dental appt that was 8 months over due. I look on with exasperation as I can no longer keep up with the girls, laundry, and dishes and am unsure if my house will ever be clean again. The nursery still isn't prepared for our new boy. And Kyle and I are holding our breath for my thoughtful Dad to visit next weekend to give us a date night....
One of the toughest weeks that looked like the end of me became a week I am filled again and being restored to my full Motherhood joy. I am exactly where God wants me to be.

Matthew 11: ²⁸Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

What 18 Months Looks Like

We have twins and somehow, I think this makes us a little interesting. Everyone wants to know what's going on in our world. Not to mention, everyone has lots of questions. :) 

The girls just turned 18 months old and my heart grows bigger every day. Twins are a very special gift. A joy only few get to experience. I'm so thankful God blessed us with more than I knew to ask for. 

Anna and Esther love climbing everything, exploring everything, and dancing around the kitchen to music with Momma while spinning around in circles until they fall down.

Reading books have replaced almost all toy play in the house. They sure didn't get that from me! Ha! We read the same handful of favorite books over and over all day long. Some books I want to hide after reading 100x, but my favorite part of reading one of their favorite books is near the end when the Mama kisses the Baby, the girls each give me a kiss too. I melt. :) When Esther reads by herself, she has a distinct reading voice. It seems like she is trying to mimic how I read to them. Her little mumbles pitch up and down really fast. I can't help but think it's the cutest thing ever! 

And although they both look alike, dress alike, share the same schedules, play with the same toys, tend to be extremely shy, and have infectious smiles and laughs, these two girls couldn't be more different in personality. They are not much alike in character at all. It's so fun to watch as they are learning to express themselves more and more. 

Esther Autumn

Weighing in at 23 lbs

and 31 inches tall

with 11 Teeth

This little bundle of mischievousness has become a big Daddy's Girl. It is so adorably cute. She follows her Daddy all around the house, gets excited when he comes home from work, talks about him during the day when he's not home, and tries to wear his shoes whenever they are found laying around. She is in almost every way just like him. I can't seem to find any qualities of myself in her at all. She is all Daddy! She is serious and reflective, a tease, a daredevil, more independent and quiet, and is always soaking in her surroundings and trying to figure out how everything works or goes together more than the average toddler. We think she has Kyle's genius engineer brain. :)  Her qualities tend to get herself in more trouble than Anna since she is always exploring and observing everything around her. 

Favorites:

Food: Tomatoes

Toy: Corn Popper and Little People Disney Princess Castle

Song: Ring-Around-the-Rosie

Book: "Little Loon & Papa" by Toni Buzzeo

Cat: Flopsey 

Favorite Esther Stories:

I gave my husband a new watch for our anniversary that he started wearing every day. Obviously, Esther has taken notice in a very short time. One day my husband forgot to put it on, when he got home from work, Esther excitedly greeted him, then ran straight to our bedroom to grab the watch off the nightstand, bringing it promptly to put in his hands. We were astonished!

The girls have a pink toy 4-wheeler that they got for their 1st birthday. Anna has taken ownership of it completely. She rides around on it all throughout the day. She never gives Esther a chance to ride it. If Esther tries, Anna will quickly come and push her off and take over. Esther has discovered this to be to her advantage. If Anna has something that Esther wants but Anna won't share, Esther will run over to get on the 4-wheeler. The result: Anna will drop what she has, run over, and get on the wheeler...leaving Esther with the prize. Haha! :)

Anna Elizabeth

Weighing in at 23 lbs

at 31 inches tall

with 10 Teeth

Anna has become quite the little ham and coming into her own. She's starting to express her goofy little personality more and more. She is starting to put tiny baby size sentences together. "Where you?," "What do you?," and "Out my way" are some of her newest additions. "Oh uh" still being my favorite. :) She makes cute little faces as she jibber-jabbers all through the day especially as she tries to communicate with us.

Unlike Esther, she is more like her Mommy. :) She already loves to draw and color! She loves our afternoon sensory/creative play activities the most (i.e. flour or rice play, water play, painting, pebbles w/cups bin). She will stay completely focused for at least an hour, which is abnormal for this huff-n-puff all go girl. She is all play and all talk all day long. Some of my family will appreciate this one: she is starting to develop a slight "bag lady" tendency I had around age 2. We will have to watch to see if it progresses. ;)

Favorites:

Food: Chicken Nuggets

Toy: Shopping Cart and Pink 4-Wheeler

Song: Itsy Bitsy Spider

Book: "Llama Llama Red Pajama" by Anna Dewdney
and "My Farm Friends" by Wendell Minor 

Cat: Bebes

Recent Favorite Anna Stories:
When Anna is in full form of hamming it up in front of everyone, she has developed a "duck walk" where she bends her knees as she walks, sometimes bobbing her head a bit. It's my favorite!

My Dad and his wife both work for Frito-Lay and Lance, so we always get a huge box full of chips and goodies whenever we have a visit with them. Just last week, we had a new assortment, which "Nina" had included animal cookies. Anna dumped out the entire box onto the floor, recognizing and picking out the cookies, and brought them to me, begging for me to open it to eat some. Haha! Smarty pants!

Love Muffin Date

Today, Mommy and Daddy had a lunch and zoo date with our two love muffins. 

 Our Zoo Membership is ending this month and with this beautiful day, we thought we should take advantage of it since new baby brother is coming soon. One of those bittersweet days of just the four of us.

Anna and Esther are such well behaved little ladies at the lunch table. I wouldn't expect this from my little 17 month olds, but their sweet little manners make my heart melt for it. 

Everyone was taking a bite at the same time. Thought it was rather priceless. As you can see Mommy/Baby Boy's plate had more food on it than anyone else's. Ha!

Then it was off to the Zoo!!!

After visiting the lions and tigers, we decided to head over to the Farm Petting Zoo. Esther quickly discovered the ducks!

And then there were two. Haha! I think they both agreed that the swimming ducks were their favorite animals of the zoo. We had to pry them away after a bit of watching.

We even had an awesome Seal encounter while giving pregnant Mommy a sit down break and having a snack. Anna made sure not to miss out on the action.

Esther got a close up too! She was a little hesitant and kept a little more distance between her and the seal.

We had to check out the pretty water fountain before leaving especially since photo Mommy wanted a couple more pics. No toddler cooperation for one though. No loss of expectation there. Ha!
 Esther wanted to play a little too close to the edge. I thought sure we were going to take home a soaked baby. Thankfully, it's only a foot of water and Daddy stayed close to catch her little fearless self.

Sweet day! Sweet memories!

Myrrh Poured Heart

The other day, I had a friend who posted the ever familiar Donna Lewis lyrics: "I love you, always forever. Near or far, Closer together."

It was truly God inspired as I was driving in the car yesterday, the tune popped into my head and I started singing along the famous words. "....Everywhere I will be with you. Everything I do will be for you." It was though God was saying, 'exactly my thoughts.'

You see, I have been struggling with sin separating issues of the heart. These roots can be deeply traced back into childhood. It's damages have resulted in bitterness and resentment causing rock hard layers to surround and squeeze out the God fruit.

My legalistic mindset tells me that God is angry and disappointed with me, that I'm not measuring up, and that God is sitting on the sidelines waiting for me to find freedom and release from these heart infestations all on my own before He will come back on the scene and enter back in. The legalism tells me I'm separated in all ways.

Reflecting on Song of Solomon 5, in the Art of Conflict, I remembered how deeply love moved my heart was in discovering how Solomon responded to his wife's closed heart.

² I slept, but my heart was awake,
    when I heard my lover knocking and calling:
“Open to me, my treasure, my darling,
    my dove, my perfect one.
My head is drenched with dew,
    my hair with the dampness of the night.”

³ But I responded,
“I have taken off my robe.
    Should I get dressed again?
I have washed my feet.
    Should I get them soiled?”

⁴ My lover tried to unlatch the door,
    and my heart thrilled within me.
⁵ I jumped up to open the door for my love,
    and my hands dripped with perfume.
My fingers dripped with lovely myrrh
    as I pulled back the bolt.

Solomon called out to her. God is calling out to me. Solomon wanted her to open her door and heart to him. God is sweetly doing the same to me. When she [I] responded, in dishonor. He responded by pouring "lovely" myrrh on her door. He was leaving "his calling card of love." He didn't respond in anger and disappointment.  

Truth is, it's only with God and His Supernatural love and forgiveness that I can receive heart surgery and move forward. He's right here even though I'm being separated by my flesh and doing the things that I do not want to do (Romans 8). God is pouring myrrh [love] and grace on my closed door of a heart and chiseling away at the brick layer over it to find that soft spot inside to bring freedom, healing, and a deeper connection with Him.

God is omniscient and can see me in the whole picture. He's not frustrated by my current struggles. He sees all of me, all the beauty, all we can overcome together, and He longs to be with me again in my Christ covered self. He sees what I look like when I come out on the other side. And I will be better than before. There are deeper layers of His heart to discover in this too.

Even after rejecting Solomon, he still tried to unlatch the door. Soon, his wife's heart became "thrilled within her" and she jumped up to open the door. Soon, I too will jump up to open the door and my hands and heart with be drenched with the myrrh of His gracious love.

I love you. Always. Forever. 
Near or Far, Push'em together!

Love is the Greatest

Happy Heart's Day, Everyone!

My hubs and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day, although, he didn't hold back on bringing home a long love letter and my favorite bouquet of tulips the day before. Haha! I might be a little spoiled. But regardless, I can't help but to have learned to love the holiday. Maybe because now I'm an overly romanced wife or I'm a little partial to all the PINK and Hearts with my little toddler baby girls! :) 

Oh, did I mention that I love the little message heart candies too! 

I couldn't help to be inspired by the LOVE Day itself.

I think kids have an awesome idea of heart sharing on this holiday. It's not about just one person. They get excited about writing out their cards and/or goodies to all of their friends and can't wait to share them with everyone. They aren't thinking what they get in return, but are spoiled silly when they do.

I was also reminded that love is all about others and not just me me.

1 Corinthians 13 "If could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. ³ If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing."

Then, if you read on to verse 4, it defines what love really is:

^4" Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

Some of those standards are pretty hefty when it comes down to it especially when it comes to loving others, but that's why we have to go to the One who created love in the first place. Without Him, we don't really know true love or can we give it away either. Because GOD IS LOVE. 

With God, we can unselfishly [childlike] love those people around us whether in candy heart form or in our actions. It's imperative in showing the greatest Valentine heart of all....God's! Love is WHO HE IS! 

Reflections of 2 Year Newbies (Part 2)

In case you missed Part 1, you can find it here: Reflections of 2 Year Newbies (Pt 1).

4. Expectations
One of the best pieces of wisdom we received was in pre-marriage counseling. We had no idea until marriage started playing out that it would be so true. We have found that almost 98% of all arguments, attitudes, and disappointments can be traced back to some kind of expectation that was not met by the other. With this wisdom, we are able to recognize and address issues quickly because we realize when we are upset that we are not really mad at the other, we are only disappointed with the specific unmet expectation.

Our marriage counselors also had each of us to write out our marriage expectations on paper before getting married so that we would be aware of each others presumptions and would both be on the same page. It was significant for me to understand what my husband expected of me as his wife. We still have our written expectations. We look back on them every now and then as reminders.

5. Forgive Easily and Ask for It
My husband is very good at asking for forgiveness when he disappoints me. It is rather humbling and I can't help but to immediately have a softened heart and forgive him.

In marriage, I always need more of this, especially as a woman. I think it is much easier, for us as women, to stand firm whether we are right or wrong. We also tend to keep quiet, hold on to a lists of grievances, and then explode later. This is me! But that's not love or marriage. We have to learn to forgive easily with that special grace we gently have. :)

Kindness leads to forgiveness. (Rom. 2:4)


6. Understanding Love Languages
Naturally, we have a tendency to love one another in the way we want to be loved, but it's not necessarily the best way to love the other. For example, it is exciting and thoughtful when my husband brings home flowers for me. However, I am pretty doubtful that my husband would get that same excitement if I brought him home a bouquet. :)

The same concept comes in understanding each other's Love Languages ["The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman]. Without it, we have found that the other person may not be receiving the love you are intending to pour out upon the other because it's in a way they don't understand. 

My love languages shifted a little after the babies were born. My husband recently discovered that my once not so love language of  "acts of service" changed with full time motherhood. Now, I feel extra love from him when he comes home from work on one of my exhausted days and he notices I need help. I would have never felt this love from him previously because, until now, it was not my love language.

I know my husband's love language is mostly physical, so I make sure to rub his arms often, hold his hand, and hug him plenty.... Oh, and kissing him just about every time we pass while doing our hum drum around the house. He eats it up. I want our marriage to be a buffet of the type of love he needs just as he wants the same for me.

Comprehending one's love language can also teach you how that person accepts forgiveness and it is easier to communicate properly

You can take the quiz free here to find out your Love Language: Gary Chapman's Love Language Quiz


7. Fox Hunt
It's imperative that we as a couple are always on the lookout for the enemy's chances to take hold of our marriage. He wants nothing more than to destroy it. There are always small holes where our defenses are down, where we aren't paying attention to things that can take root to cause deeper problems later. We call these things, "foxes."

Song of Solomon 2:15- "Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!"

Recently, for a small example, we made an observation that smartphones, computers, and the television were distracting us from each other. They were closing off much needed quality time and important communication with each other, so we banned those items in most of our routines so that we can focus on and enjoy one another.

"Foxes" are sly and deceitful, waiting to entangle themselves in our marriage at any moment. It's our responsibility to constantly be on the lookout and hunt out the unfruitful things taking stake in our marriage. If we are sensitive to the Spirit, He will guide us and help us to discern weak areas where He can make us a strong and stay strong in Him.


8. Defend One Another
You may not notice this one until it happens, but the moment my spouse doesn't defend me, I immediately feel betrayed. Having the confidence that my husband stands behind me no matter what, goes a long way. This applies to family, friends, and children. When in the wrong, he is still to defend me and I am to defend him, and correction may be made in private together (another piece of great wisdom from pre-marital counselors).

I also want to be held accountable and to never speak negatively of my husband to my girlfriends or even to my family. It's easy to start venting when spending time in the girl circle, but it is damaging! I am to respect my husband and defend his honor. My husband would never speak ill of me while hanging out with his guy friends. It gives me confidence in him and our marriage, same goes for him.

However, there are times of marital struggle and conflict, but you should have one or two accountability/mentoring relationships that you and your husband have agreed and sought out to go to for advice and to speak freely, but this accountability should be a place of wise council and voice into your marriage, not for the sole purpose of venting or gossip.


9. Womanly Spice (ahem...Intimacy)
Okay, okay...last one...

(My best piece of wisdom I can ever give you on the subject of a healthy, beautiful intimacy with your hubs is to read, "Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?" It's one of my all time favorite books/studies I have ever done.) 

Often times, marriage brings about a comfort zone for women that rarely comes out of it's shell. Remember when you were dating, it took you hours to get ready, prettied, and perfumed up for a date? I think a lot of us women tend to leave that special spice and charm at the marriage alter or especially when Motherhood adventures begin in a marriage. 

After a day of drool, spit up, and baby food showered over you, it's easy to forget your womanhood, trust me, I'm there.

I try to make it a point to go to bed pretty every so often (try once a week). I tend to do this more in the Summer to make up for the winter months when I like to "Seal Skin" it up since I am so cold natured. I was surprised how simple this is and how much my husband appreciates and loves it.

I also try to be careful not to reject my husband. This goes beyond the subject of sex. I want to be his "home" where he is always loved and accepted. I think these are qualities that are far overlooked in a marriage.

Psychology Today Magazine said it well, "Rejection by the person with whom we have pledged to share our life is much odder and more humiliating." 

Another form of rejection that is easy in this stage of Motherhood is to view my husband as just another kid, or someone I need to take care of, when he walks in the door from a long day at work. I get in a habit of ordering him around just like the kids with things to do or things that need to be done. I find myself going behind him to pick up, cook for, or even just meeting his needs intimately can seem like something else to check off the list of my duties. 

Let me say how unhealthy this pattern is. Momhood is e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g., but don't let this become a wedge in your marriage. My husband is not one of the kids, as obvious as that is. He's my help meet. He's my lover. I am to honor him. 

For me, I broke this cycle by thinking good thoughts about my husband throughout my days. I think about all the things I love about him, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually while he is away at work during the day. It keeps the relationship in perspective and kind of in that infatuated state. It's easy to default to negative especially on a frustrating day and to think about the things he didn't do or what he's not doing right. Finding all those things you love, makes you look forward to the moment he walks in the door, lets you forgive more easily when he isn't that perfect man you thought you married, and more often than not, gears you up for some good luvin' after the kids hit the hay. ;) 

I am my Beloved's and he is mine. -Song of Solomon 6:3

Good Gifts and Goodness

Today, the girls and I made a store run to Target. I love Target and now that I have baby girls, I can't help but get even more trapped in the store by looking in the toddler section at all the cutest outfits I wish I could style my girls up in. Ha! Not only were we going to just get some essentials, but we were going to make a trip down the toy aisle to get the girls a treat. Sure, my girls are only 16 months old and have no idea how to appreciate the toy aisle yet or would even know to be disappointed if we bought something or not, but I had a little bit of Christmas money my grandmother sent for them that was burning a hole in my pocket.

I was super excited as we strolled and hands started reaching out of the stroller trying to grab flashy singing toys as I looked around. And there it was....a play tunnel! As we got in the car to drive home, I was filled with anticipation with the surprise of what would behold them in the box! I get carried away like this every time I am able to get the girls a goody even if it's small one.

As I was basking in my eagerness, the parent comparison quickly came to mind. I'm Mommy to Anna and Esther as God is Daddy to me... and if I'm this excited about giving gifts to my kids, then how much more does the Father get excited to bless me; the verse below.

^{Matthew 7:11} If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God gets excited about me [about you!] and gets even more exhilarated about blessing me [you] than I can comprehend even in giving with my own kids. God wants to shower us with His goodness and with who he is! 

Sometimes, I don't think we recognize this part of God's heart, but I want to be made more aware. I want to take in His showering love for me and give it back to Him. 

^{James 1:17} Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.