Reflections of 2 Year Newbies (Part 2)

In case you missed Part 1, you can find it here: Reflections of 2 Year Newbies (Pt 1).

4. Expectations
One of the best pieces of wisdom we received was in pre-marriage counseling. We had no idea until marriage started playing out that it would be so true. We have found that almost 98% of all arguments, attitudes, and disappointments can be traced back to some kind of expectation that was not met by the other. With this wisdom, we are able to recognize and address issues quickly because we realize when we are upset that we are not really mad at the other, we are only disappointed with the specific unmet expectation.

Our marriage counselors also had each of us to write out our marriage expectations on paper before getting married so that we would be aware of each others presumptions and would both be on the same page. It was significant for me to understand what my husband expected of me as his wife. We still have our written expectations. We look back on them every now and then as reminders.

5. Forgive Easily and Ask for It
My husband is very good at asking for forgiveness when he disappoints me. It is rather humbling and I can't help but to immediately have a softened heart and forgive him.

In marriage, I always need more of this, especially as a woman. I think it is much easier, for us as women, to stand firm whether we are right or wrong. We also tend to keep quiet, hold on to a lists of grievances, and then explode later. This is me! But that's not love or marriage. We have to learn to forgive easily with that special grace we gently have. :)

Kindness leads to forgiveness. (Rom. 2:4)


6. Understanding Love Languages
Naturally, we have a tendency to love one another in the way we want to be loved, but it's not necessarily the best way to love the other. For example, it is exciting and thoughtful when my husband brings home flowers for me. However, I am pretty doubtful that my husband would get that same excitement if I brought him home a bouquet. :)

The same concept comes in understanding each other's Love Languages ["The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman]. Without it, we have found that the other person may not be receiving the love you are intending to pour out upon the other because it's in a way they don't understand. 

My love languages shifted a little after the babies were born. My husband recently discovered that my once not so love language of  "acts of service" changed with full time motherhood. Now, I feel extra love from him when he comes home from work on one of my exhausted days and he notices I need help. I would have never felt this love from him previously because, until now, it was not my love language.

I know my husband's love language is mostly physical, so I make sure to rub his arms often, hold his hand, and hug him plenty.... Oh, and kissing him just about every time we pass while doing our hum drum around the house. He eats it up. I want our marriage to be a buffet of the type of love he needs just as he wants the same for me.

Comprehending one's love language can also teach you how that person accepts forgiveness and it is easier to communicate properly

You can take the quiz free here to find out your Love Language: Gary Chapman's Love Language Quiz


7. Fox Hunt
It's imperative that we as a couple are always on the lookout for the enemy's chances to take hold of our marriage. He wants nothing more than to destroy it. There are always small holes where our defenses are down, where we aren't paying attention to things that can take root to cause deeper problems later. We call these things, "foxes."

Song of Solomon 2:15- "Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!"

Recently, for a small example, we made an observation that smartphones, computers, and the television were distracting us from each other. They were closing off much needed quality time and important communication with each other, so we banned those items in most of our routines so that we can focus on and enjoy one another.

"Foxes" are sly and deceitful, waiting to entangle themselves in our marriage at any moment. It's our responsibility to constantly be on the lookout and hunt out the unfruitful things taking stake in our marriage. If we are sensitive to the Spirit, He will guide us and help us to discern weak areas where He can make us a strong and stay strong in Him.


8. Defend One Another
You may not notice this one until it happens, but the moment my spouse doesn't defend me, I immediately feel betrayed. Having the confidence that my husband stands behind me no matter what, goes a long way. This applies to family, friends, and children. When in the wrong, he is still to defend me and I am to defend him, and correction may be made in private together (another piece of great wisdom from pre-marital counselors).

I also want to be held accountable and to never speak negatively of my husband to my girlfriends or even to my family. It's easy to start venting when spending time in the girl circle, but it is damaging! I am to respect my husband and defend his honor. My husband would never speak ill of me while hanging out with his guy friends. It gives me confidence in him and our marriage, same goes for him.

However, there are times of marital struggle and conflict, but you should have one or two accountability/mentoring relationships that you and your husband have agreed and sought out to go to for advice and to speak freely, but this accountability should be a place of wise council and voice into your marriage, not for the sole purpose of venting or gossip.


9. Womanly Spice (ahem...Intimacy)
Okay, okay...last one...

(My best piece of wisdom I can ever give you on the subject of a healthy, beautiful intimacy with your hubs is to read, "Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?" It's one of my all time favorite books/studies I have ever done.) 

Often times, marriage brings about a comfort zone for women that rarely comes out of it's shell. Remember when you were dating, it took you hours to get ready, prettied, and perfumed up for a date? I think a lot of us women tend to leave that special spice and charm at the marriage alter or especially when Motherhood adventures begin in a marriage. 

After a day of drool, spit up, and baby food showered over you, it's easy to forget your womanhood, trust me, I'm there.

I try to make it a point to go to bed pretty every so often (try once a week). I tend to do this more in the Summer to make up for the winter months when I like to "Seal Skin" it up since I am so cold natured. I was surprised how simple this is and how much my husband appreciates and loves it.

I also try to be careful not to reject my husband. This goes beyond the subject of sex. I want to be his "home" where he is always loved and accepted. I think these are qualities that are far overlooked in a marriage.

Psychology Today Magazine said it well, "Rejection by the person with whom we have pledged to share our life is much odder and more humiliating." 

Another form of rejection that is easy in this stage of Motherhood is to view my husband as just another kid, or someone I need to take care of, when he walks in the door from a long day at work. I get in a habit of ordering him around just like the kids with things to do or things that need to be done. I find myself going behind him to pick up, cook for, or even just meeting his needs intimately can seem like something else to check off the list of my duties. 

Let me say how unhealthy this pattern is. Momhood is e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g., but don't let this become a wedge in your marriage. My husband is not one of the kids, as obvious as that is. He's my help meet. He's my lover. I am to honor him. 

For me, I broke this cycle by thinking good thoughts about my husband throughout my days. I think about all the things I love about him, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually while he is away at work during the day. It keeps the relationship in perspective and kind of in that infatuated state. It's easy to default to negative especially on a frustrating day and to think about the things he didn't do or what he's not doing right. Finding all those things you love, makes you look forward to the moment he walks in the door, lets you forgive more easily when he isn't that perfect man you thought you married, and more often than not, gears you up for some good luvin' after the kids hit the hay. ;) 

I am my Beloved's and he is mine. -Song of Solomon 6:3

Good Gifts and Goodness

Today, the girls and I made a store run to Target. I love Target and now that I have baby girls, I can't help but get even more trapped in the store by looking in the toddler section at all the cutest outfits I wish I could style my girls up in. Ha! Not only were we going to just get some essentials, but we were going to make a trip down the toy aisle to get the girls a treat. Sure, my girls are only 16 months old and have no idea how to appreciate the toy aisle yet or would even know to be disappointed if we bought something or not, but I had a little bit of Christmas money my grandmother sent for them that was burning a hole in my pocket.

I was super excited as we strolled and hands started reaching out of the stroller trying to grab flashy singing toys as I looked around. And there it was....a play tunnel! As we got in the car to drive home, I was filled with anticipation with the surprise of what would behold them in the box! I get carried away like this every time I am able to get the girls a goody even if it's small one.

As I was basking in my eagerness, the parent comparison quickly came to mind. I'm Mommy to Anna and Esther as God is Daddy to me... and if I'm this excited about giving gifts to my kids, then how much more does the Father get excited to bless me; the verse below.

^{Matthew 7:11} If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God gets excited about me [about you!] and gets even more exhilarated about blessing me [you] than I can comprehend even in giving with my own kids. God wants to shower us with His goodness and with who he is! 

Sometimes, I don't think we recognize this part of God's heart, but I want to be made more aware. I want to take in His showering love for me and give it back to Him. 

^{James 1:17} Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Alabaster Box

I remember in children's Sunday School, growing up in the Nazarene Church, a certain time every year when they passed out little red cardboard boxes with printed hearts to take home and fill up with coin change. After a few weeks, we were to bring it back and pour our box of change into an "Alabaster" offering. I always felt so proud each time I found or received a coin to insert in my box to save toward the offering though it was never much.

Looking up Luke 7:36-50. Jesus is anointed by Mary, a sinful woman. She came before him with her alabaster jar, wet his feet with her tears, wiped them away with her hair, and poured the perfume from her jar on his feet. While others mocked her, we see Jesus commemorate her actions in Matthew 26: 10-13.

^{Matthew 26:10} Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. ¹¹ The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. ¹² When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial.¹³ Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

Reflecting today as an adult and with different perspectives, I am asking heavier questions, What's in your Alabaster Box? What are you offering or pouring out unto the Lord? Is it more than just your coin change or leftovers or is it everything you have to lay before the Lord?

Am I laying down my hopes and dreams? My burdens? My praise and worship? My whole heart?

The Egyptian reference to Alabaster is a "vase of perfumes." When I am around others, am I displaying the aroma of Christ? Are others invited in by the allure of my Master? What within myself am I displaying and pouring out to others from within my box?

I want to begin to think of what my alabaster box looks like every day; the things I insert in and what it is that I pour out and offer to the Lord.

And if you are a Mom like me, you don't always have to be outside the walls of your home to pour out your offering or heart unto the Lord or to others. In my daily home life, how am I displaying Christ's fragrance to my husband and to my children? Honor, patience, peace, laughter (yes, laughter. Joy!!) or are you as proverbs describes a wife as "a dripping faucet?"

We can change the atmosphere around us with the anointed fragrance of our alabaster jars.

Redeeming Love

I love being a Mother! I love and breathe in every moment of it that I can possibly take in. My girls are 15 months old now and I still find myself eating them up as if they were still newborns. This special time goes so fast that my heart doesn't have a chance to keep up with it's pace. I already find myself getting emotional in the most precious moments because I know it won't be this way for very long.

Another unexpected aspect [joy] of motherhood I found was that my experiences seem to erase and wipe away past heartaches and hurtful memories specifically from childhood. It's also like I get a second chance to re-live childhood all together and rewrite it with new memories. Childhood is something I always remembered fondly and wanted to experience again! It's true that your children really are an extension of your heart.

The more I thought about this redeeming love the Lord has bestowed on me with my baby girls and healing my heart (all Him, not my babies), the more I thought that this is how Christ intended for us to feel when He gave us new life. We are "born again." He gives us a 'do over.' He forgets our past [wipes it clean, makes US clean], restores us to heavenly places, and on top of it, is so generous to let us share in His inheritance too.

I can say, even before being a Mother, experiencing His grace over my life and saving me from myself is more I can put into words as it is. He grabbed hold of me, poured astonishing love upon me, and put me back in a place of righteousness. I still pinch myself and thank God daily for this amazing place He has put me back into and blessed my new life. He didn't have to! That's the part that blows me away most with an abundant heart.

^{Ephesians 1:7} In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.

My Two Loaves and Maybe a Fish

In previous months, there has been an acceleration in hunger and in growing with the Lord. I couldn't get enough of reading His word. I was craving His time, voice, and secrets only He could reveal. I was running, running, running, then pow...I have come to a swift halt at the edge of a cliff. I have been stunned with fear to move forward. Specifically, there's a responsibility the Lord has gifted and entrusted me with and I can't seem to take the leap and jump on over to the other side and get moving again. 

I shared my struggles with my husband, who had some insight on the situation. Kyle revealed that I am stunned with fear because I'm trying to jump the cliff on my own strength instead of the Lord taking the few pieces I have to offer up and let Him expand it and grow me up in it to make that leap into a large step. Kyle used the passage of Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand to help me understand.

Matthew 14:13 Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. 14 When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. 15 Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” 16 But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” 17 They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” 18 And he said, “Bring them here to me.” 19 Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. 20 And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. 21 And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Often times, we let our selfishness, control, and problems overwhelm us and sometimes look like impossible hurdles. This passage exemplifies that God doesn't ask us to solve our own problems. He is asking us to give whatever small portion of ourselves we have to offer up. He will then take it and bless it, and when He gives it back to us it will be enough. Jesus will multiply our efforts until completion.

It's the small things that make the biggest different. Soon, we can let the small portions we give be taken so that the Lord can feed five thousand through us! ;)

Samuel in the Sleepless

There was a very valuable lesson I learned when I was being discipled by a friend a few years ago that I often like to encourage others with. Many nights before bed, I ask the Lord to speak and to minister to me while I am sleeping. The nights that I do, I can tell you that I am never disappointed. We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, so why wouldn't the Lord take advantage of that time especially when our heart is at rest?

But what about those sleepless nights? 

Monday night, I had the opportunity to spend some time catching up with a few of my beloved sisters in Christ. My friend, Kim, was sharing that recently she was having trouble sleeping. She was waking up in the night and couldn't go back to sleep for long periods of time. Kim, being a full time wife and mother like me, understands that sleep is golden. She shared a common frustration of asking the Lord, 'Why can't I sleep? You know I need the rest.' 

The story of Samuel quickly came to mind and I shared that maybe the Lord was awaking her so that He could speak.

1Samuel 3: Meanwhile, the boy Samuel served the Lord by assisting Eli. Now in those days messages from the Lord were very rare, and visions were quite uncommon.

² One night Eli, who was almost blind by now, had gone to bed. ³ The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was sleeping in the Tabernacle near the Ark of God. ⁴ Suddenly the Lord called out, “Samuel!”
“Yes?” Samuel replied. “What is it?” ⁵ He got up and ran to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
“I didn’t call you,” Eli replied. “Go back to bed.” So he did.
⁶ Then the Lord called out again, “Samuel!”
Again Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
“I didn’t call you, my son,” Eli said. “Go back to bed.”
⁷ Samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had never had a message from the Lordbefore. ⁸ So the Lord called a third time, and once more Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
Then Eli realized it was the Lord who was calling the boy. ⁹ So he said to Samuel, “Go and lie down again, and if someone calls again, say, ‘Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went back to bed.
¹⁰ And the Lord came and called as before, “Samuel! Samuel!”
And Samuel replied, “Speak, your servant is listening.”

Recently, I have had the same problem for weeks now. It happens almost every night where I awaken sometime between the hours of 1:30-3:30am and I can not go back to sleep. I have completely chalked it up to my erratic hormones of being newly pregnant, but this morning the thought hit me...

I'm not exempted from the Samuel story, hormones and all. God doesn't waste our time. He knows I need the rest. He controls my [crazy] hormones. Maybe He is trying to speak to me also!

Talk about a 'Duh!' moment! 

So the next night I spend frustratingly fighting with my pillows and trying to find that invisible comfy spot in the bed, I'm going to open up my heart, "Speak, your servant is listening," and connect with the heart of my Creator! 

Maybe sweet sleep and rest will quickly find me after! ;) 

This Year, October Brings.....

October is a significant month for me and my husband. God seems to bless our lives with new adventures that are forever life changing this time every year, which seems fitting since October is already representative for change. 

October calls forth a changing of seasons. It brings with it the crisp cool air of fall with changing colored leaves that express God's glorious creativity. October also has it's festive fun that can't be found in any other season. I'm talking about pumpkin carving, hay rides, corn mazes, orchards and apple cider, trick or treating, etc. Yes to all, please! 

We also seem to have a theme of October associations in our family. Pumpkin Pie is a favorite here in the Adam's household. Kyle and I eat it no matter what time of year it is. We love it. We make a date night out of it. A good classic movie and pumpkin pie making! Kyle has also given me the pet name, "Nangua," which means 'little pumpkin' in Chinese. It started out as a fortune cookie joke that stayed. We also call our twin baby girls, 'punkins.' We have an obvious love of pumpkins around here. 

So what has been so life changing for us in this fabulous month of October? 

It all starts on October 24, 2009. Kyle and I met for the very first time at a Haunted House at a group gathering from church. He gave me his sweatshirt since it was freezing outside and I was unprepared for any other activities other than dinner where Kyle had previously laid eyes on me and knew I would forever change him. ::ahhhh, sweet romance:: We got carried away in a discussion about a zombie who was in a group entertaining the lines of people with Michael Jackson's "Thriller" dance. We went on to have our first date together on Halloween. 

Kyle took me out on a real blind date on October 29, 2010. I mean, I was actually blindfolded as he took me to a special location set up for a proposal. And, of course, I said, "Yes!" 

Before our twins were delivered a few weeks early, our original due date was October 13, 2011. Unfortunately, Esther had to stay in the NICU for some time, but we were finally able to bring her home on October 5, 2011. Mommy was finally at peace and in love with both of her babies home. 

Kyle would also go on to take his Professional Engineering exam just a couple weeks later after about 100 hours of studying and 4 years of engineering in training requirements. He passed and obtained his license! We are so proud of our Kyle! It was definitely a career changer and would later come to be in our favor for Kyle's new job. 

So, what does this year, 2012, bring in the month of October, might you ask? 

Well.....

 New Baby Makes 5! 

After this year's October blessing, we can't wait to see what God has in store for us in the October to come! Lots of new chapters and new adventures to come for our still very new family!